Over the last while I’ve been reading and writing about resilience, grit and mental toughness simply because I believe that life is difficult – it is difficult for all of us in different ways at different times – and if we don’t develop those capacities that enable us to endure, then we will live a life of suffering.
Resilience, grit, and mental toughness are interconnected psychological constructs that relate to how individuals cope with and adapt to challenges, setbacks, and stressors. While they share some similarities, they also have distinct characteristics:
Resilience refers to an individual's ability to bounce back from adversity, trauma, or stress. It involves adapting positively in the face of adversity, maintaining psychological well-being, and often growing stronger as a result of challenges.
Grit is defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals. It involves sustaining effort and interest in pursuing objectives despite setbacks, failures, or obstacles.
Mental toughness is characterized by the ability to maintain focus, determination, and motivation in the midst of pressure, stress, or difficult situations. It involves staying composed, resilient, and performing effectively under pressure.
 
I have explored 2 questions in this article:

1. Does having had a tough and wounding childhood enhance the likelihood of your having these capacities or diminish it? In other words, are they a consequence of nurture or life experiences? And secondly,
2. How does personality type influence the extent to which you have or do not have these capacities? Is it more to do with nature?

The answers are really interesting – but not entirely surprising.

Childhood psychological wounds can significantly impact an individual's resilience, grit, and mental toughness – and it can be either positive or negative:
Positive Impact: Some people develop resilience, grit, and mental toughness as a result of overcoming childhood adversity or trauma. In some people, these experiences can lead to increased self-awareness, coping skills, and a deeper understanding of one's strengths and limitations.
Negative Impact: On the other hand, childhood psychological wounds can also hinder the development of resilience, grit, and mental toughness. People who experienced significant childhood trauma, neglect, or adversity may struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem, difficulty regulating their emotions, and difficulty coping with the stresses of life.
The impact of negative childhood experiences on resilience, grit, and mental toughness can vary widely among different people and there is no direct predictable causal link. Factors such as social support, coping mechanisms, access to resources, and personal beliefs play crucial roles in shaping one’s ability to thrive despite past challenges.
In summary, while personality traits can influence the level of resilience, grit, and mental toughness individuals exhibit, experiences and childhood psychological wounds also play significant roles. Positive experiences can foster growth and resilience, while negative experiences may pose challenges that require intentional effort and support to overcome.

In my coaching practice I use the Enneagram profile quite a lot, so I was curious about the impact of personality on one’s resilience, grit and mental toughness. The Enneagram is a personality typing system that categorizes people into nine distinct personality types, each with its own motivations, fears, strengths, and growth areas. While the Enneagram primarily focuses on underlying motivations and core beliefs rather than specific traits like resilience, grit, and mental toughness, certain Enneagram types may exhibit characteristics that align with these qualities to varying degrees. It's important to note that individuals of any Enneagram type can develop resilience, grit, and mental toughness through self-awareness, personal growth, and intentional efforts.

Here's a general overview of how different Enneagram types might relate to resilience, grit, and mental toughness:
Type 1 - The Perfectionist: Ones are often driven by a desire for integrity, improvement, and doing what is right. They can exhibit high levels of resilience and mental toughness, particularly in areas where they are committed to making a positive impact or upholding their principles. However, their perfectionistic tendencies may also create pressure and self-criticism that could affect their grit in some situations.
Type 2 - The Helper: Twos are empathetic, caring, and supportive people who often prioritize the needs of others. They may demonstrate resilience and grit in relationships and situations where they can contribute to others' well-being. However, they may need to cultivate mental toughness in setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care.
Type 3 - The Achiever: Threes are ambitious, goal-oriented, and focused on success. They can display high levels of grit and mental toughness in pursuing their objectives and overcoming obstacles to achieve recognition and accomplishment. However, they may need to develop resilience in handling setbacks or failures that challenge their self-image.
Type 4 - The Individualist: Fours are introspective, creative, and sensitive people who value authenticity and emotional depth. They may demonstrate resilience in navigating complex emotions and experiences, drawing strength from their introspection and self-expression. However, they may face challenges in developing grit and mental toughness in areas requiring sustained effort and practicality.
Type 5 - The Investigator: Fives are analytical, knowledgeable, and independent thinkers who seek understanding and expertise. They may exhibit resilience and mental toughness in intellectual pursuits and problem-solving, leveraging their capacity for deep focus and strategic thinking. However, they may need to work on grit in interpersonal or high-pressure situations that demand emotional engagement.
Type 6 - The Loyalist: Sixes are loyal, responsible, and cautious people who value security and preparedness. They can demonstrate resilience and mental toughness in situations where they feel supported, trusted, and prepared for challenges. However, their anxiety and fear of uncertainty may sometimes impact their grit, requiring them to build confidence and assertiveness.
Type 7 - The Enthusiast: Sevens are adventurous, optimistic, and spontaneous people who seek new experiences and possibilities. They may display resilience in bouncing back from setbacks and maintaining a positive outlook, drawing on their adaptability and optimism. However, they may need to develop grit in sticking with long-term commitments and facing uncomfortable emotions.
Type 8 - The Challenger: Eights are assertive, decisive, and protective people who value strength, autonomy, and fairness. They often exhibit high levels of resilience, grit, and mental toughness in facing challenges, standing up for themselves and others, and driving change. However, they may benefit from cultivating emotional resilience and vulnerability in certain situations.
Type 9 - The Peacemaker: Nines are peaceful, harmonious, and accommodating people who seek unity and avoid conflict. They may demonstrate resilience in maintaining stability and calmness under pressure, leveraging their adaptability and empathy. However, they may need to develop grit in asserting their needs and priorities, as well as maintaining focus on personal goals.
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It's essential to remember that Enneagram types provide insights into core motivations and patterns of behaviour. It does not determine an individual's capacity for resilience, grit, or mental toughness, although it may suggest how this might vary within an individual.
 
The key to personal growth of any kind is self-awareness, introspection, and personal efforts. Regardless of your childhood experiences or your personality type, you can develop all of these capabilities.

​In the high-stakes arena of modern life, where challenges lurk around every corner and uncertainties abound, mental toughness stands as the bedrock upon which success is built. It's not merely a trait; it's a strategic advantage, a shield against the onslaught of adversity, and a guiding light in the darkest of times. From the boardroom to the playing field, those who possess mental toughness are not just survivors; they're victors. But what exactly is mental toughness, and why is it indispensable in today's fast-paced world?
At its core, mental toughness is the epitome of resilience. It's the unwavering ability to bounce back from setbacks, failures, and disappointments, emerging stronger and more determined than ever before. In a landscape where the only constant is change, resilience becomes the cornerstone of enduring success. It's the difference between succumbing to pressure and rising above it, between faltering at the first sign of trouble and pressing forward with unwavering resolve.
But mental toughness is more than just bouncing back; it's about forging ahead with self-confidence in the face of uncertainty. It's the unshakable belief in one's abilities, even when the odds seem insurmountable. With self-confidence as its cornerstone, mental toughness empowers individuals to navigate the choppy waters of life with poise and purpose, never losing sight of their goals despite the storm raging around them.
Crucial to the fabric of mental toughness is emotional regulation – the ability to maintain composure and clarity of thought, even in the most trying of circumstances. In a world where pressure is omnipresent and stressors lurk at every turn, emotional regulation becomes the linchpin of success. It's the difference between succumbing to panic and making sound, rational decisions under fire. By mastering their emotions, individuals with mental toughness are able to keep their eyes on the prize, regardless of the chaos unfolding around them.

​Performance under pressure is where mental toughness truly shines. Whether it's on the field of play or in the boardroom, the ability to deliver when the stakes are highest can be the difference between victory and defeat. Those with mental toughness thrive under pressure, using it as fuel to propel themselves to new heights of achievement. With a laser-like focus and an uncanny ability to tune out noise and distractions, they remain steadfast in their pursuit of excellence, undeterred by the challenges that lie in their path.
Moreover, mental toughness has a profound impact on the quality of decisions made under duress. In moments of crisis, when split-second judgments can make or break a situation, clarity of thought becomes paramount. By cultivating mental toughness, individuals sharpen their cognitive faculties, enabling them to make well-informed decisions under even the most harrowing circumstances. In this way, mental toughness not only ensures survival but also paves the way for triumph in the face of adversity.
But perhaps most importantly, mental toughness is the bedrock upon which self-worth and self-confidence are built. In a world that often seeks to undermine our sense of value and purpose, mental toughness serves as a bulwark against self-doubt and insecurity. By cultivating a deep reservoir of inner strength and fortitude, individuals with mental toughness bolster their self-confidence and reaffirm their self-worth, regardless of the challenges they encounter along the way.
Endurance, both physical and mental, is the hallmark of mental toughness. It's the ability to stay the course when others falter, to persevere when the journey seems endless, and to emerge victorious against all odds. In a world that prizes instant gratification and quick fixes, mental toughness reminds us that true success is a marathon, not a sprint. It's about embracing the long and winding road, knowing that each step brings us closer to our ultimate destination.
In conclusion, mental toughness is not just a trait; it's a way of life. It's about embracing challenges, confronting adversity, and emerging stronger on the other side. With resilience as its cornerstone, self-confidence as its guiding light, and emotional regulation as its compass, mental toughness empowers individuals to thrive in the face of uncertainty. By honing their ability to perform under pressure, tune out distractions, and make sound decisions, they chart a course toward success that is as unwavering as it is unstoppable. So, as you navigate the turbulent waters of life, remember this: the path to success is not for the faint of heart, but for those who possess the indomitable spirit of mental toughness.

​There seems to be a strong connection between Grit and a growth mindset - seeing achievement as being the result of the acquisition of skill over time, and commitment to continuous improvement.(For more about the definition of Grit, see www.leadershipsolutions.co.za/articles/grit-sticking-with-it-for-the-long-haul).

Since the essence of Grit is that one is able to persist towards BIG long-term goals, that is the place to start.

What is the big, long-term goal that you want to achieve? It is likely to be something that will take several years to achieve. Perhaps there is a 5 - 10 year business goal; or a long-term goal in terms of a qualification you want to achieve; or a challenging financial goal that you are after. 

Put this goal down on paper. Build as much detail into what the successful achievement of the goal will look like. This could be in the form of:

• a vision board - find pictures that illustrate what achievement of the goal will look like;
• a blueprint or set of plans (as one might have for building a house);
• a detailed verbal description of the goal with clear visual or measurable descriptors of the detail.

Whatever you put down, it must inspire YOU. It is not for other people. They don't have to approve or agree. The idea of achieving your big long-term goal is that the idea of its achievement gets you excited.

The "problem" with really big long-term goals is that it is pretty much impossible to build an action plan that gets you from start to finish all in one go. The best you can hope for is as follows:

1. Break the big long-term goal into its component parts. You can brainstorm this. Accept that you will inevitably leave something out, so allow for the idea of building this document over time. It will never be perfect and it will always evolve. Each of these component parts will be a sub-goal of the larger goal.
2. Decide where to start. Think about which sub-goals are dependent on the achievement of other sub-goals. These dependencies will influence the order in which you do things. Also think about which sub-goals are easy to achieve early on - these will give you a sense of achievement and efficacy, which energizes you for some of the tougher sub-goals. Once again, there is no perfect place to start. What you are looking for is a starting point that gets you moving and whose achievement is not so far down the line that even the idea of getting started is overwhelming. Your sub-goal could be the accumulation of information that will make it easier to make future decisions - often we don't know where to start because we don't know what will be involved. Well then that is your first sub-goal - to gather the information that will enable good planning.
3. Write an action plan for the first sub-goal to be tackled. You know how to do this: write the action and give each one a deadline. Draw it up in a table that can be updated in real-time (check out the free project management tools that are available online - clickup.com/blog/free-project-management-software/).
4. Put the actions into your calendar. Now you not only know the deadline for taking the action, but you have also set aside time for taking the action.
5. Update your project manager as you execute each task - set this up as a visual because as you update it, you will have a sense of achievement.
6. Set aside time in your calendar as an appointment with yourself to do your weekly, monthly and annual planning.
7. As part of your monthly planning, go back and look at the sub-goals and figure out which can now come onto your radar, and compile the action plan. Add this to your project manager.

Self-discipline is a fundamental component of Grit - there is no success without it. Here are some important self-disciplines:

1. Remind yourself that the time is going to pass anyway. This might be a 10-year goal - but the 10 years are going to pass anyway. Do you want to 10 years from now and still talking or thinking about this, or do you want to be 10 years into the execution of your goal? Time is not going to stand still while you make up your mind.
2. Planning must become part of your routine. Block out a day in your calendar once a year to do some annual planning (even if you will be doing it alone). Block out time in your calendar monthly to look at your annual plan and decide what actions are to be taken in the coming month - and schedule those actions. Have a time every week when you do some planning for the coming week. These planning disciplines ensure that you keep your big long-term goal on your radar and that you don't get too far behind.
3. Have an accountability partner. I can't tell you how valuable it is to have someone to whom you formally report on progress. It must be someone who is strong enough to call you on your bullshit; someone who will give you the look when you make excuses; someone who will cheer you on when you cross off big milestones; someone who will encourage you when you have setbacks or go off track.
4. Celebrate your wins! This could mean cracking open the champagne when you achieve an important milestone and celebrating with someone. It could be a post on social media so that others can join you in the celebration. Even if you don't think you are the kind of person who needs to celebrate success, you are. Celebration of success spurs us on to the next stage in the journey and gives you a vital opportunity to experience some joy.
5. Get back on the horse! You will miss deadlines. You will get busy and distracted with other stuff. You will do a whole lot of work that doesn't deliver what you had expected. Some of your plans will go off track. That's life. People with Grit don't spend a lot of time beating themselves up. They also don't give up. They get back on the horse and keep going. This is a critical element of Grit.
6. Understand that developing Grit requires that you do gritty things. You won't develop Grit first and then be able to pursue big long-term goals. You will develop Grit while you are pursuing these goals. So do gritty things and little by little you will realise that you have become a gritty person!

I think of resilience as being much like a parachute. You had better have it when you need it, and if you don’t have it at that time, then it is too late. You can’t develop resilience at the time that you need resilience. You have to develop it as part of being a growing human being so that it is available to you when you need it. In this article, I will explore how you can develop the skills that give you the resilience you need when you need it.

These are the abilities typical of resilient people:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

These abilities are supported when you have the following skills:
1. The Ability to Mind Your Mind
​It is said that the mind is a faithful servant but a tyrannical master. We need to learn how to be in charge of the way we think about things. Do you play mental games of “Ain’t it awful”? Do you ask yourself endless “what if” questions? Do you make mountains out of molehills in your mind? You need to learn how to counter this whenever you do it. Here are some examples:

• Every time you play “ain’t it awful”, stop and ask yourself what you can do about the situation you are in. Can you take action to change your circumstances? Then do it. Can you think about it as a problem to be solved? Then solve the problem. Can you think about it differently, focusing on the opportunities the situation provides you with? Do it. Can you simply shift your attention to something you can do something about? Do that then.
• If you find yourself asking endless “what if” questions, get into the habit of answering the question. “What if I lose my job?” Decide what you will do; decide what you will do to always be ready for such an eventuality. “What if they don’t like my proposal?” Will you offer an alternative proposal? Will you ask questions to ascertain what needs to be changed in order to get approval? “What if this economy really tanks?” Decide what you will do to protect your investments. Decide how you will get out of debt.
• Are you aware that you tend to make mountains out of molehills? Catch yourself when you are amplifying issues and picture them as tiny problems. There is an NLP visualization technique that has you imagine placing the issue on the palm of your hand and visualize it becoming smaller and smaller.
• Of course, when you are mentally tormenting yourself with catastrophizing thoughts, you can always take the Bob Newhart therapy – stop it!
• Don’t lose your sense of humour! It is remarkable how laughter can take the sting out of difficult situations and give you a sense that you can handle it.

These are techniques that take practice – but if you practice them consistently, you will be able to draw on them when life gets crazy.

2. Develop the Habit of Solving Problems
Resilient people are able to solve problems in the moment. They have a habit of asking themselves “what can I do about this” whenever they face a problem, obstacle or challenge. It is a habit of mind and can be learned. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes you need to stop, take a few breaths and think about how you can approach something. Having decided what you can do about something, you also need to decide what you will do about something.
Learn to do this in relation to the small, everyday issues, and you will be able to practice it when it really counts.

3. Build Good Friendships in Your Work and Personal Life
Don’t ever underestimate the powerful buffering impact of good friendships. You don’t need a lot of friends, but you do need some friends – and you definitely need a friend or 2 at work. Friends offer each other the following:

• A place to laugh, cry, talk or just be – you don’t actually need to be drawing something specific from a friendship for it to be having a positive impact. You don’t even need to spend a great deal of time with your friends – but they do need to be there and you do need to be willing to draw closer to them from time to time.
• Work friends have an especially positive impact on your “inner work life”. Even when your work is very pressurized, the presence of work friends makes a positive impact on the experience of being at work. Work friends can offer you another point of view or way of looking at things – and sometimes you just need a place to have a bit of a grumble!
• Having a partner who is also a friend is a wonderful buffer when life is difficult – when home is your “soft place to fall” you are significantly buffered against life’s challenges and setbacks. When home is tainted with toxicity it makes you extremely vulnerable to the negative impacts of adversity.

 
4. Exercise and Physical Health
Too often I hear my clients telling me that they’ll get back to the gym when they are “over this hump”, or that they’ll resume their sport when it warms up. Who are they fooling? Firstly, you’re never really over the hump. Secondly, you need the positive benefits of exercise NOW, while you’re negotiating the hump. People who are resilient build exercise into their schedule – it is part of their scheduled activities, rather than something they “find/make time for”. It is a priority – it does not take a back seat to other priorities. Exercise releases powerful hormones which are a powerful antidote to the damaging stress hormones that are released when life is difficult. Type “impact of exercise on mental health” into the Google task bar and see how much information comes up to this effect!

Another mistake people make is to push through when they are sick, rather than seeing a doctor and taking things a bit more slowly. This takes a punishing toll on your body and can trigger the onset of all sorts of negative immune responses. The same applies if you feel you’re not coping emotionally. See a doctor – don’t be a hero.

5. What you eat and drink
It is tempting to comfort eat when you are battling life’s challenges. However, once again the evidence is compelling that this can create a vicious cycle - feeling stressed leads to consumption of unhelpful foods which has a negative impact on your mental state, which leads to more consumption of unhelpful foods. Healthy eating habits during less stressful times make it easier to maintain healthy eating habits when the pressure is on. But you know this, don’t you!

The upshot of all of this is that resilience is something you build when you don’t need it so that you have it when you do. It is about establishing and practicing healthy mental and physical habits on an ongoing basis so that you have this powerful buffering effect when you need it.
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Call to Action
If you recognise that you need to start developing your resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

​Somebody once said that one should list “living in South Africa” as a skill set, and even more so if you live in Kwazulu Natal. Many of us have said that we’re just tired of being resilient. Actually we’d like to be able to collapse into a puddle and have a good cry in the knowledge that someone will pick us up and make it all better.

The truth is that that is never going to happen. We live in a world where shit happens. We have to withstand the impact of all sorts of dramas. Locally we have had Covid 19 with all its tragedies and personal difficulties, the riots and looting of July 2021 and now the devastating floods of April 2022 that have resulted in widespread loss of life and property.

Resilience might be thought of as the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with a crisis and to bounce back after the crisis without long-term health or psychological consequences. Resilient people are those who are able to remain calm during the crisis, making good decisions for themselves and others. They then return to their pre-crisis psychological and mental state quickly, and move on from it without any residual difficulties.

It includes the following abilities:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

​Consider your own circumstances:

• What ongoing, disruptive change are you needing to cope with?
• What is happening to your health as a result of the constant pressure you are experiencing?
• Are you bouncing back from adversity, or do you find yourself being weighed down by feelings of despair and hopelessness?
• What changes do you now have to make because the way things were is no longer possible?

 
Resilient people have a significant advantage over people who are not resilient – people who respond to adversity with helplessness or a sense of being victims. Consider this:

• Companies that have resilient employees perform better during tough times than companies that don’t;
• During downsizing (or whatever it is being called this week) resilient employees with a wide set of competencies have a better chance of being kept on
• Resilient job applicants are more likely to be hired than those who are not;
• When the job skills of resilient people are no longer needed, they will quickly learn new ways to earn an income;
• When the economic times are tough, resilient people give their families a better chance of pulling through and bouncing back;
• Resilient people are able to make the best out of difficult situations;
• Less resilient people are more likely to become ill during difficult times.

 
Now rate your own resilience (1 = very little; 5 = very strong):

From “The Resiliency Advantage” by Al Siebert.
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Scoring :
Low score: A self rating score under 50 indicates that life is probably a struggle for you. You may not handle pressure well. You don’t learn anything useful from bad experiences. You feel hurt when people criticize you. You may sometimes feel helpless and without hope.
If these statements fit you, ask yourself “Would I like to learn how to handle my difficulties better”. If your answer is yes, then a good way to start is to meet with others who are working to develop their resilience skills. Let them coach, encourage and guide you. Another way is to work with a coach or a therapist. The fact that you feel motivated to be more resilience is a positive sign.

High score: If you rated yourself high on most of these statements you would have a score over 90. This means you know you are very good at bouncing back from life’s setbacks.
A question for you to consider is whether you feel willing to tell your story to others and make yourself available to people who are trying to cope with adversities. People learn from real-life role models. You could be one.

Middle scores: If you agreed with many of the statements and scored in the 70-89 range, then that is very good! It means that you are fairly resilient, but that you could become even more resilient and confident by paying attention to some of those factors that will make the difference.
If you scored in the 50-69 range, you appear to be fairly adequate, but you may be underrating yourself. A much larger percentage of people underrate themselves than overrate themselves on the assessment. Some people have a habit of being modest and automatically give themselves a 3 on every item for a total score of 60. If your score is in the 50-69 range, we need to find out how valid your self rating is.

In the next article, we will look at ways in which you can develop your own resilience, after which we will consider how you might enable your team to become more resilient.
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Contact Me
Resilience has everything to do with how you think about things, so it is a completely coachable topic. If you recognise that you need to strengthen your own resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

Anyone who knows me (and many who don’t) know that I have opinions about lots of things. In some cases, it’s because I’m a know-it-all, but in most cases it’s based on my nearly 60 years on this earth and my 38 years in the field of people development. I have worked with men and women of all races, at every level in the corporate hierarchy, every possible personality type, advantaged people, disadvantaged people, people with happy childhoods and those with disastrous childhoods. Many of them have been victims of something – abuse, rape, attacks, robberies, bullying, racism, prejudice, you name it.

If there is one thing I know for sure it is that allowing oneself to be defined by one’s wounds, scars and past injuries is a recipe for a miserable life of unrealizable potential. It is not possible to be happy if you are defined by your wounds, and it is impossible to realize your potential if you don’t stop looking over your shoulder at your past. Your wounds may have left scars that will always be there, but even scarred people can have eyes forward and march into a positive future.

I am moving into dangerous territory here. I am at risk of being heard to say that those who have wounds need to get over it. How dare I say such a thing? I have this internal debate going – am I saying that; am I saying something else? Maybe it starts with an understanding of what it takes to “get over it”.

When one says “just get over it” there is the implication that this is a small thing that simply requires that one makes a decision. It’s way more complicated than that, so let me make an attempt at what is takes to “get over it”.

Disclaimer: There is very real psychopathology that has its roots in past experiences and that is not my area of expertise. My expertise lies more in the arena of positive human functioning. Therefore, I will base this article on what I know enhances the human capacity to thrive, and not on psychopathology.

I really like the way Andrea Mathews explains the issue of woundedness: “And THAT is the wound. It isn’t just the pain of what was done—we can get past pain through a healthy grief process. The “damage” is done when we change the identity to match the event, person or circumstance so that we ARE now that event, person or circumstance in some small or large way.”

I don’t think “getting over it” starts with a decision so much as a realization – that defining oneself as a victim is an obstacle to a good life. When you have become defined by what happened to you, you may observe the following in yourself:

• Hypervigilance – constantly looking for evidence of new and related sources of hurt. For example, if you have been hurt by racism in your past, you will be extremely vigilant to new instances of racism – even when that is not what is going on. Think of this as being easily offended or outraged.
• Feeling attacked when someone tries to give you helpful feedback or make a suggestion for moving forward. This is the person who yells “How dare you suggest that I get over it!”
• Blaming external factors and events for one’s life – my life is the way it is because of what so-and-so did to me; I didn’t get the promotion because so-and-so is out to get me; I can’t come across as confident because of what happened when I was a child. Of course, because nothing is their fault or responsibility, they cannot be expected to be responsible for making changes to their lives.
• Having manypeople in your circle who blame everyone and everything but themselves for their circumstances – birds of a feather flocking together.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms – examples include finding 101 problems for every solution; developing a negative outlook where one’s expectations of life are kept extremely low in order to avoid disappointment; feeling stuck and approaching challenges with a negative outlook.
• Believing that life or the world is out to get you.

This has been defined in the psychology literature as “victimhood mindset” or “victim mentality”.

The impact of a victim mindset is that it creates a whole society of people whose primary identification is with being oppressed. This is a culture in which there is an expectation of some kind of payback, reparations or the expectation that lives will only change when “they” change in some way. No matter how justified this expectation might be, let’s be clear that (1) it is NEVER going to happen, and (2) even if it does happen in some way, it will NEVER be enough. Victimhood is a bottomless pit that just cannot be filled.

It is important to shake off a victim mindset because of its impact on YOURSELF. It holds you back. It keeps you unhappy and resentful. It actively prevents you from enjoying any real personal success. It is completely self-defeating. The most liberating thing that anyone with a victim mindset can do is to let go of the hope or expectation that anyone other than themselves will ever change their lives! There are no saviours! Life doesn’t owe you anything – but YOU owe yourself something. What you owe yourself is the shaking off of the victim chains that keep you bound to the past in order to embrace a winning mindset that has you 100% responsible for defining your future, even if you did not shape your past.

Shaking off such a mindset can be difficult, because a victim mentality has important payoffs:

• You don't have to take accountability when nothing is your responsibility – so you’re off the hook;
• You get sympathy and attention (and maybe even tangible benefits such as grants);
• You don’t have to take risks or be vulnerable.

Because the victim mentality is a learned behaviour, it can be unlearned and replaced with a winning mindset. However, this cannot happen until you personally have a blinding flash of insight – or maybe it emerges gradually – that your victim mindset is preventing you from having the life you want. With this realization comes the acceptance of personal responsibility – you cannot have the life you want if you don’t change your mindset, and only you can take on a new mindset.

Once you accept personal responsibility, educate yourself. Read books, blogs and articles on victim mentality or victimhood mindset. Make sure you understand it as a phenomenon, and that you develop your understanding of how to shift from a victim mindset to a winning mindset.

Consider seeking therapy as a healthy way to process the pain of the past so that you are liberated to start looking forward and making choices that make for a good life.

Choose who you spend time with. Move away from spending time with other victims. Surround yourself with people who have succeeded, who have risen above life’s challenges, who have a winning mindset, who take responsibility for what they can do in the face of life’s difficulties.

Say No to things you do not want to do. You have a choice – exercise your choice. Prioritise yourself and your objectives more than worrying about other people’s feelings.

Be kind to yourself. This can be a tough journey – moving from a victim mindset to a winning mindset. It takes work. You will slip up – but you can notice it, and correct course every time you slip up.

Take time to relish moments of joy. You absolutely will experience more moments of joy as a winner than you possibly can as a victim. Enjoy them!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to do some important work in shifting to a winning mindset so that you can create the life you want, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
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Previous Articles
This article is the latest in a series that follows the theme that “Life is Difficult”, and yet we can definitely live a life of victory and fulfillment if we choose to do so. My purpose in writing these articles is to share tips and tools for thriving even though life is difficult.

Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

About 3 weeks ago I wrote an article about people who thrive, despite life being difficult. They do specific things, including taking care of their physical and mental health. In this article and the supporting video, I'm going to talk about something else they do which enhances their ability to thrive - they are comfortable in their own skin! They are ok with themselves, they are fine with their looks and weight, they feel fine about the people they hang out with, they feel fine about their occupation or profession.

In other words, they don't expend useless energy comparing themselves with other people, or comparing themselves with some hopeless standard of perfection. 

That is not to say that they simply accept everything about themselves and refuse to grow and change. Not at all. However, they make changes that move them in the direction of their own goals, and not in the direction of everyone else's approval.

If they are heavier than they'd like to be, they do something about it and don't allow it to go to far. When they fall off the wagon, they clamber back on without pointless recriminations. If they know they are going to indulge - say, over Christmas or Eid or Hannukah - they ringfence specific "cheat days" and then go back to their healthy eating habits. They never just throw it all in with an "Oh what they hell - I might as well just pig out".

They choose their friends according to their value system, and are comfortable with the company they keep - they have no need to keep one group of friends from another group of friends or from their family. The same with their occupation - they are comfortable talking about their work.

Whilst they recognise that the good opinion of others is important in some respects, they are not derailed by the fact that some people may not like them or approve of them. Having said this, if they notice a pattern, they are willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for how they might be earning the disapproval of others - and then do something about it if it is important enough.

People who thrive often have their own sense of style. That is not to say that they are fashion icons. However, they have probably decided how they like to dress and how they want to look - and they are fine with it. 

So if you have read all of this and you are still saying "Well that's all very well in theory, but I'm well into adulthood/middle age and I just don't know how to do these things", what can you do?  Here are some ideas:

1. Do an inventory.

• What do you like/what can you be proud of regarding your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks? Give yourself credit for progress and improvements that you've made along the way. These are aspects of yourself that you want to keep and appreciate.
• What would you like to change about your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks?
• What do you need to make peace with and even embrace? For example, if you are a statuesque woman of 190cm in height, embrace it! You are never going to be petite no matter what you do! 

2. Set some goals.

• Weight goals: To get from Xkg to Ykg by (date) / I want to fit into a size X by (date)
• Style goals
• Friendship goals: To make friends who enjoy (activity) by (joining a club/online group). You can also end friendships that diminish you and are not in your best interests.
• Career goals: To be promoted to (name it) by (date); to find a new job that better suits your interests and skills.
• Network goals: To meet colleagues in (name the parts of the organisation) and have them call me for input.

3. Make sure each goal has an action plan.
4. Choose a set of affirmations that address your negative self-talk and support your success (google "how to use affirmations"), and use them as a mantra many times a day. Make sure that these are loving affirmations - you will grow to believe them as you use them.
5. Do a daily reflection: ask yourself what you did today to move each goal forward, no matter how slightly; ask yourself how you demonstrated your better nature (the likeable aspects of yourself) today.
6. Track your progress - use a tool such as Monday.com or trello.com. They are great because you can track whether or not you actually took action relevant to each goal all on one dashboard. Maybe also get yourself an accountability buddy - someone who will hold you accountable and give you "the look" when you are fooling yourself; someone who will celebrate with you and give you a high five when you win.
7. Celebrate progress. Allow yourself to revel in your small wins and give yourself appropriate rewards - but be careful not to reward yourself with things that derail you, like a wedge of chocolate cake when you've lost 2kg!
​8. Accept compliments graciously. Just smile and say "Thank you."

Remember that you are fabulous and worthwhile and deserving - and remind yourself often!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become comfortable in your own skin, and you know that it's going to be a real challenge, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

I believe that it is very likely that ALL my articles this year will have something to do with the fact that life is difficult, and to rise above this, we need to do what we must in order to thrive. It may include developing grit, building resilience or becoming mentally tough. The fact of the matter is this:

• Life IS difficult. It is difficult for everyone in different ways, and sometimes it is more difficult than at other times.
• Not everyone suffers as a result of life’s difficulties. That’s not to say that they don’t find it hard. It’s just that it is not necessarily experienced as suffering. And if they do experience suffering, they know that it will pass.
• The characteristics of people who endure and thrive are identifiable.
• Some people have these characteristics as a result of either their natural character, or as a result of how they were raised.
• All these characteristics can be learned and cultivated.

In my previous article, I described 5 characteristics of people who thrive. In this article, I am going to discuss how to develop and cultivate the first one: People who thrive take control of their physical and mental health.
Let’s start with physical health. Being strong, fit (meaning having a certain amount of stamina) and feeling well are an essential aspect of thriving. When your body looks good, feels good and works well, you simply feel better and enjoy life more – no matter what you are going through. Furthermore, the process of getting and staying strong and fit (some weight training, some endurance training, and some flexibility) releases happy hormones into your body (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins) which sets you up for a good day, and makes you more likely to have the fortitude to roll with whatever may come your way.
So let’s say that you currently have not been thriving (everything feels hard, maybe you’re a bit depressed, maybe you feel stuck), what can you do?

1. Put a simple routine in place – the emphasis being on simple. If you over-engineer it, chances are it won’t last. A simple routine may start with the decision to walk for 30 minutes 4 times a week. If you can, do it in the fresh air. Also, you might want to “multi-task” on this one – either listening to a book or inspiring podcast, or using it as a kind of moving meditation. Then, once this is established as a habit, you might start some strength training. I remember a challenge I did one year that consisted of squats, push-ups and plank.
   1. Day 1: 10 squats; 10 push-ups; 20 seconds plank.
   2. Day 2: 11 squats, 11 push-ups; 25 seconds plank.
   3. Day 3: 12 squats, 12 push-ups; 30 seconds plank.
   4. For each subsequent day, add 1 squat, 1 push-up and 5 seconds of plank so that, by day 30 you are doing 40 squats, 40 push-ups and almost 3 minutes of plank!
2. Make a decision to eat food that your body likes – meaning it is food that makes you feel good and is good for you. Ditch the food you know isn’t good for you – pizza, KFC, everything stuffed into large amounts of bread. Choose the food that is good for you. A general rule of thumb is that you must be able to name everything you see in front of you – so it must be unprocessed, find veggies and fruit that you like (or can prepare in ways that you can stand), include some protein and some fat. Maybe even get someone to deliver prepared, balanced meals that tick the boxes – it will cost no more than those takeaways.
   Can you ever have a treat? Of course you can – but make 1 day a week your cheat day and don’t go crazy, undoing all the good you’ve done in the previous 6 days. And if you fall off the wagon? Just get back on.
3. Drink plenty of water every day, and limit your intake of alcohol.
4. Quit smoking or vaping. You know it’s not good for you. Don’t fool yourself.
5. Get plenty of good quality sleep. Our bodies are designed to sleep when it’s dark and wake when it’s light, so gaming until the wee hours and trying to play catch-up during the day is a mug’s game. Obviously if you are a shift worker, you need to do what you must do in order to get good quality sleep.

Now we need to talk about mental health. People who thrive take personal responsibility for their mental health. This means that they do the following:

1. They are kind to themselves. They avoid endless self-criticism and self-flagellation. If they have let themselves down in some way, they are honest about it and get back on the bus – but they don’t invest endless energy in beating themselves up. If this is your habit – to beat yourself up – then I recommend Bob Newhart’s form of therapy. It is available here.
2. They have hobbies and interests that they include in their routine. Whether they love doing crosswords, gardening, making art or reading, they include it in their lives. I did not say that they “make time for it” because that suggests that they squeeze it in amongst all the important things in their lives. They actually include it amongst all the other important things.
3. They have relationships with good people, they nurture these relationships so that the connections are strong, and they draw on these relationships when things get tough. So what can you do if you find yourself without these strong connections? As we get older, most of our relationships are formed around our activities – so pursue activities that enable you to meet people and form friendships. Join a hiking club or walking group; take an art class; find a bookclub (we know it’s not so much about the books).
4. Volunteer. People who thrive tend to give of themselves. What’s more, it’s a great way to meet people. Volunteering takes your attention off yourself and your problems and gets you focused on needs elsewhere that might be even greater than yours.
5. Learn to deal with your stress. We all have stress. It is part of life. However, as Shakespeare said: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. It is the way we think about the events of our lives that creates the stress, rather than the events themselves. We can think about an event as a disaster or as a setback. We can think about a loss or failure as devastating or as an opportunity to try again. We can also remind ourselves that “this too shall pass.” In fact, one of my favourite quotations is “Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet it’s not the end.” (Tracy McMillan).
6. Develop the ability to quiet your mind. Sometimes we are tormented by rumination. We ask endless “what if…” questions. We play an event over and over reminding ourselves of what an idiot we were. We worry about things that are either outside our control or that are actually already under control. If you are asking “what if…” questions, then answer the question. For example, what if I lose my job? Answer the question – I will look for another job / I will start my own business / I will take some time off. If you are tormenting yourself, practice thought interruption (google it). If you can do something about the source of your worry, then do it. Otherwise, let it go (tell yourself “let it go”).
   Learn mindfulness techniques – even something as simple as mindful breathing.
7. Get help when you need it. Let’s get one thing straight. I am not saying that people who thrive never have problems with their mental and physical health. What I am saying is that when they do, they deal with it in a specific way. They seek help. Something about their physical health is not right? They see a doctor. They are struggling with anxiety or depression, they see a therapist. They see this as natural – just as you would call a plumber when you have a leak or a burst pipe – rather than shameful. They are willing to do the work and do the healing, rather than suffering and enduring.

If this article speaks to you, and you want to make some personal changes, write down some goals for your physical health and your mental health. Then create an action plan that is achievable. Just get started somewhere. As you integrate one aspect into your life, you can bring in something else. Don’t over-engineer it, and don’t try and do everything at once. Seek progress rather than perfection and acknowledge yourself for whatever progress you make.
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to start developing your own ability to thrive regardless of what life is throwing at you, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

Every month-end in nearly every department in every organisation I have worked in and across industries you will witness what I call "Month-end Madness".

My observation is that this is usually at least in part because we have allowed bad habits to prevail and now tell ourselves that this is just how it is in our industry. I don't think you should just accept this as normal. I know that some clients only want to be invoiced at month end, but this is not an overwhelming majority by any means.
During this last week of the month, I invite you to go through it mindfully.

• Pay attention to your activities.
• Ask yourself which of these activities could have been done earlier in the month.
• Entertain the idea of weekly "mini-month-ends".
• Decide what you wish to do differently in your business next month.

Once your month-end madness is done, meet with your team and plan for next month:

• Decide what you will do earlier in the month
• Decide what you will do at least weekly
• Try it out once, review and make changes to your plans, and then try it out again.

My bet is that you can definitely have greater month-end sanity - which is positive for everyone. It reduces stress and contributes to the resilience of the team. After all, the more organised and disciplined your team, the greater its resilience!