We have all heard it said that “assumptions are the mother of all stuff ups” (or some variation of the same). Yet we all make assumptions every day. Making assumptions is necessary – it short-cuts many thought processes and human interactions that would otherwise be unnecessarily time-consuming. The types of assumptions we make are based on some core beliefs:

• Whether we believe the world is basically a safe place OR that the world is full of danger;
• Whether we believe that people are basically good and well-intentioned OR basically bad and self-serving;
• Whether we believe that we are deserving OR that we are not deserving.

Assumptions tend to be most problematic when they drive our most unhelpful behaviours. When we find ourselves triggered or upset by the behaviour of others, it is often as a result of the assumptions we have made – and often our assumptions are related to their intentions.

What happens is that we tell ourselves stories about what another person’s behaviour might mean -and sometimes these stories can be quite elaborate!

Let’s understand what an assumption is:
it is accepting as the truth a belief for which you have no proof.

Can you see how your choice of assumption is determined by the core beliefs I’ve listed above? If you believe that people are basically good and that the universe is basically supportive, your assumptions about other people and their intentions will tend to be either innocuous or generous. If you believe that people are basically bad, or that the universe is out to get you, your assumptions will be negative.

How can you tell when your reactions are being driven by your negative assumptions? The most common indicator for me is when a client uses the word “obviously” and then tells me something that they believe about another person’s intentions. That is a cue for me to ask “What is obvious about your interpretation”? You will know that your reactions are being driven by negative assumptions when you ruminate about a situation and the players in that situation.

Let me use an example:
You were recently appointed as head of your division. You presented your divisional budget in the executive meeting last week. In that meeting was a colleague who also applied for your position – unsuccessfully. She asked you some challenging questions about your budget that you were not prepared for, and you felt embarrassed. You have spent the last week ruminating about the fact that she intended to embarrass you; that she only asked these questions because her nose is out of joint for not being appointed. You need to present your budget again because her questions necessitated some rework. You are anxious that she will find some other way to make you look bad when you do so this afternoon.
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What aspects of the scenario I have described are facts, and which are assumptions for which you have no proof?

Once you have separated facts from assumptions, it is useful to remind yourself that, no matter how strongly you hold your assumptions, they are just beliefs for which you have no proof. They might be true but, then again, they might not. You have a few options for dealing with your negative assumptions:

1. You can do NOTHING and carry on getting yourself bent out of shape;
2. You can test your assumptions with the person about whom you are making assumptions. You could say to them “When you questioned my budget in the way that you did, I felt embarrassed. The story I told myself is that you were trying to make me look bad because I got the job that you wanted. Is that what was happening?” And then you will need to listen and have a constructive conversation.
3. You can remind yourself that you are probably telling yourself a story, and then you can attribute more generous assumptions to your colleague: she has the interests of the business at heart; she was sincere in asking those questions and she was right because I hadn’t thought about those things; she has always been a good colleague and I don’t see any reason why that would change.

Option 1 is a bit of a loser’s game – it is a choice to be the victim of your story. Option 2 is great, but might turn out to be a completely unnecessary conversation – which you may find out if you just exercise Option 3. While there is no proof of the more positive and generous assumptions I’ve offered in 3 above, they simply lead to more productive engagements with your colleague than the original negative assumptions. Just assuming the best of people leads to positive outcomes (even if they themselves were not being as generous in their behaviour as you have assumed).

The way to test your assumptions is to ask yourself the following:

1. Is it logical based on what you know about yourself, the other person or the situation?
2. Is it a fact? Do you have evidence for it?
3. Is it based on a positive philosophical choice? Positive philosophical choices are that the universe is supportive, people are basically good, and you are deserving of all good.

If your assumption is not logical (makes no sense), change it to an assumption that does make sense. If you have no evidence for your assumption, replace it with a positive assumption. If your assumption is based on a negative philosophical choice, replace it with something that is based on a positive philosophical choice.

The key to any change starts with self-awareness. Pay attention to yourself when you get upset or triggered. Are you telling yourself a story based on negative assumptions? If so, the attached downloadable document will take you through a process that will enable you to test your negative assumptions and replace them with more constructive and positive assumptions that not only make you feel happier, but also foster productive engagements with your colleagues, family and friends.
 
The pdf below will take you through a guided process of testing your unhelpful assumptions. Give it a try!
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Reference:
Kline, Nancy. Time to Think. Octopus Books. United Kingdom. 1999

Effective working relationships have a great deal to do with mutual understanding - life is so much easier when we understand what makes our boss or our colleagues tick. If you are in a leadership role, it is easy to underestimate the amount of headspace you occupy on the part of your team members. They seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to approach you interpreting what your behaviour might mean - and all of these machinations are based on assumptions.

Some years ago I came across the notion of compiling a personal user manual as a way of making everyone's life  whole lot easier. It is a great self-reflection exercise too, as you think about how to complete each aspect of the manual. Here is what might go into your User Manual:

1. My Style: here you can talk about the kind of person you are; your personality style; your leadership style; how formal or informal you like things.
2. What I Value: you can talk about your values; what you appreciate in others; your views on the work/life balance question.
3. What I Don't Have Patience For: these might be things that irritate or annoy you; it could be about behaviour you regard as childish; taboos that apply in your life.
4. How to Communicate with Me: What do you like people to lead with; do you want detail or just the headlines; do you want a heads-up before a discussion; do you like conversation or do you prefer to read something; do you want background or should people get to the point. It may also include your approach to decision-making: what do you expect from your team members; when do you want to be involved; how you make decisions yourself. If you are aware of not being a great listener, you can also tell team members how to bring to your attention that you need to LISTEN.
5. How You Can Help Me: this might include what team members can do to make your life easier; your own weaknesses and how team members can complement you on these; what team members can do to make their own lives easier in terms of working with you.
6. What People Misunderstand About Me: these are the quirks and foibles that people think mean one thing but actually mean another.

You can mess around with these headings and come up with something that is more you - they offer you a starting point.

It can be a really fun exercise to encourage your team members to prepare their own User Manuals, and then for the team to have a series of conversations that makes each of you a whole lot more knowable. You could use a process like this:

1. Tell your team that you want to have a session where you can each get to know and understand one another better, and agree on a date and time. This will take a couple of hours, so maybe arrange an afternoon where you can all be relaxed and take your time.
2. Share the template (see below) with them and discuss what might go under each heading. Modify the headings if it seems appropriate to do so.
3. As the team leader, you go first. You could present your user manual as a document or as a video, or you could simply speak to each heading and then share your document afterwards.
4. Invite team members to ask any questions that may not have been addressed in your user manual. Answer them and then perhaps add some FAQs to your user manual, which you can then share.
5. Give each team member the opportunity to present their own user manuals, and answer any questions including questions from you.
6. End with each person having the opportunity to offer their personal reflection on any important insights they have gained and the benefits of the conversation. (I'm a big fan of end-of-meeting reflections.)

I facilitated such a discussion with a team that really wasn't clicking - and the misconceptions and inaccurate assumptions that were set straight was unbelievable. It is a great way to start off your time with a new team. It is also a great way to integrate new team members. It is also a useful tool to use when you are some way along your journey with your team and, perhaps you have a sense that you do not understand each other as well as you need to.
Have fun with it. Laugh at yourself and invite others to do so too. Notice when your colleagues deal with you in the way you have outlined. Be aware of doing the same for them. A couple of weeks later, have another reflection with your team - what is working, what has improved, what still needs to change?
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​Here is a template that you are welcome to use.