I think of resilience as being much like a parachute. You had better have it when you need it, and if you don’t have it at that time, then it is too late. You can’t develop resilience at the time that you need resilience. You have to develop it as part of being a growing human being so that it is available to you when you need it. In this article, I will explore how you can develop the skills that give you the resilience you need when you need it.

These are the abilities typical of resilient people:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

These abilities are supported when you have the following skills:
1. The Ability to Mind Your Mind
​It is said that the mind is a faithful servant but a tyrannical master. We need to learn how to be in charge of the way we think about things. Do you play mental games of “Ain’t it awful”? Do you ask yourself endless “what if” questions? Do you make mountains out of molehills in your mind? You need to learn how to counter this whenever you do it. Here are some examples:

• Every time you play “ain’t it awful”, stop and ask yourself what you can do about the situation you are in. Can you take action to change your circumstances? Then do it. Can you think about it as a problem to be solved? Then solve the problem. Can you think about it differently, focusing on the opportunities the situation provides you with? Do it. Can you simply shift your attention to something you can do something about? Do that then.
• If you find yourself asking endless “what if” questions, get into the habit of answering the question. “What if I lose my job?” Decide what you will do; decide what you will do to always be ready for such an eventuality. “What if they don’t like my proposal?” Will you offer an alternative proposal? Will you ask questions to ascertain what needs to be changed in order to get approval? “What if this economy really tanks?” Decide what you will do to protect your investments. Decide how you will get out of debt.
• Are you aware that you tend to make mountains out of molehills? Catch yourself when you are amplifying issues and picture them as tiny problems. There is an NLP visualization technique that has you imagine placing the issue on the palm of your hand and visualize it becoming smaller and smaller.
• Of course, when you are mentally tormenting yourself with catastrophizing thoughts, you can always take the Bob Newhart therapy – stop it!
• Don’t lose your sense of humour! It is remarkable how laughter can take the sting out of difficult situations and give you a sense that you can handle it.

These are techniques that take practice – but if you practice them consistently, you will be able to draw on them when life gets crazy.

2. Develop the Habit of Solving Problems
Resilient people are able to solve problems in the moment. They have a habit of asking themselves “what can I do about this” whenever they face a problem, obstacle or challenge. It is a habit of mind and can be learned. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes you need to stop, take a few breaths and think about how you can approach something. Having decided what you can do about something, you also need to decide what you will do about something.
Learn to do this in relation to the small, everyday issues, and you will be able to practice it when it really counts.

3. Build Good Friendships in Your Work and Personal Life
Don’t ever underestimate the powerful buffering impact of good friendships. You don’t need a lot of friends, but you do need some friends – and you definitely need a friend or 2 at work. Friends offer each other the following:

• A place to laugh, cry, talk or just be – you don’t actually need to be drawing something specific from a friendship for it to be having a positive impact. You don’t even need to spend a great deal of time with your friends – but they do need to be there and you do need to be willing to draw closer to them from time to time.
• Work friends have an especially positive impact on your “inner work life”. Even when your work is very pressurized, the presence of work friends makes a positive impact on the experience of being at work. Work friends can offer you another point of view or way of looking at things – and sometimes you just need a place to have a bit of a grumble!
• Having a partner who is also a friend is a wonderful buffer when life is difficult – when home is your “soft place to fall” you are significantly buffered against life’s challenges and setbacks. When home is tainted with toxicity it makes you extremely vulnerable to the negative impacts of adversity.

 
4. Exercise and Physical Health
Too often I hear my clients telling me that they’ll get back to the gym when they are “over this hump”, or that they’ll resume their sport when it warms up. Who are they fooling? Firstly, you’re never really over the hump. Secondly, you need the positive benefits of exercise NOW, while you’re negotiating the hump. People who are resilient build exercise into their schedule – it is part of their scheduled activities, rather than something they “find/make time for”. It is a priority – it does not take a back seat to other priorities. Exercise releases powerful hormones which are a powerful antidote to the damaging stress hormones that are released when life is difficult. Type “impact of exercise on mental health” into the Google task bar and see how much information comes up to this effect!

Another mistake people make is to push through when they are sick, rather than seeing a doctor and taking things a bit more slowly. This takes a punishing toll on your body and can trigger the onset of all sorts of negative immune responses. The same applies if you feel you’re not coping emotionally. See a doctor – don’t be a hero.

5. What you eat and drink
It is tempting to comfort eat when you are battling life’s challenges. However, once again the evidence is compelling that this can create a vicious cycle - feeling stressed leads to consumption of unhelpful foods which has a negative impact on your mental state, which leads to more consumption of unhelpful foods. Healthy eating habits during less stressful times make it easier to maintain healthy eating habits when the pressure is on. But you know this, don’t you!

The upshot of all of this is that resilience is something you build when you don’t need it so that you have it when you do. It is about establishing and practicing healthy mental and physical habits on an ongoing basis so that you have this powerful buffering effect when you need it.
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Call to Action
If you recognise that you need to start developing your resilience, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

I believe that it is very likely that ALL my articles this year will have something to do with the fact that life is difficult, and to rise above this, we need to do what we must in order to thrive. It may include developing grit, building resilience or becoming mentally tough. The fact of the matter is this:

• Life IS difficult. It is difficult for everyone in different ways, and sometimes it is more difficult than at other times.
• Not everyone suffers as a result of life’s difficulties. That’s not to say that they don’t find it hard. It’s just that it is not necessarily experienced as suffering. And if they do experience suffering, they know that it will pass.
• The characteristics of people who endure and thrive are identifiable.
• Some people have these characteristics as a result of either their natural character, or as a result of how they were raised.
• All these characteristics can be learned and cultivated.

In my previous article, I described 5 characteristics of people who thrive. In this article, I am going to discuss how to develop and cultivate the first one: People who thrive take control of their physical and mental health.
Let’s start with physical health. Being strong, fit (meaning having a certain amount of stamina) and feeling well are an essential aspect of thriving. When your body looks good, feels good and works well, you simply feel better and enjoy life more – no matter what you are going through. Furthermore, the process of getting and staying strong and fit (some weight training, some endurance training, and some flexibility) releases happy hormones into your body (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins) which sets you up for a good day, and makes you more likely to have the fortitude to roll with whatever may come your way.
So let’s say that you currently have not been thriving (everything feels hard, maybe you’re a bit depressed, maybe you feel stuck), what can you do?

1. Put a simple routine in place – the emphasis being on simple. If you over-engineer it, chances are it won’t last. A simple routine may start with the decision to walk for 30 minutes 4 times a week. If you can, do it in the fresh air. Also, you might want to “multi-task” on this one – either listening to a book or inspiring podcast, or using it as a kind of moving meditation. Then, once this is established as a habit, you might start some strength training. I remember a challenge I did one year that consisted of squats, push-ups and plank.
   1. Day 1: 10 squats; 10 push-ups; 20 seconds plank.
   2. Day 2: 11 squats, 11 push-ups; 25 seconds plank.
   3. Day 3: 12 squats, 12 push-ups; 30 seconds plank.
   4. For each subsequent day, add 1 squat, 1 push-up and 5 seconds of plank so that, by day 30 you are doing 40 squats, 40 push-ups and almost 3 minutes of plank!
2. Make a decision to eat food that your body likes – meaning it is food that makes you feel good and is good for you. Ditch the food you know isn’t good for you – pizza, KFC, everything stuffed into large amounts of bread. Choose the food that is good for you. A general rule of thumb is that you must be able to name everything you see in front of you – so it must be unprocessed, find veggies and fruit that you like (or can prepare in ways that you can stand), include some protein and some fat. Maybe even get someone to deliver prepared, balanced meals that tick the boxes – it will cost no more than those takeaways.
   Can you ever have a treat? Of course you can – but make 1 day a week your cheat day and don’t go crazy, undoing all the good you’ve done in the previous 6 days. And if you fall off the wagon? Just get back on.
3. Drink plenty of water every day, and limit your intake of alcohol.
4. Quit smoking or vaping. You know it’s not good for you. Don’t fool yourself.
5. Get plenty of good quality sleep. Our bodies are designed to sleep when it’s dark and wake when it’s light, so gaming until the wee hours and trying to play catch-up during the day is a mug’s game. Obviously if you are a shift worker, you need to do what you must do in order to get good quality sleep.

Now we need to talk about mental health. People who thrive take personal responsibility for their mental health. This means that they do the following:

1. They are kind to themselves. They avoid endless self-criticism and self-flagellation. If they have let themselves down in some way, they are honest about it and get back on the bus – but they don’t invest endless energy in beating themselves up. If this is your habit – to beat yourself up – then I recommend Bob Newhart’s form of therapy. It is available here.
2. They have hobbies and interests that they include in their routine. Whether they love doing crosswords, gardening, making art or reading, they include it in their lives. I did not say that they “make time for it” because that suggests that they squeeze it in amongst all the important things in their lives. They actually include it amongst all the other important things.
3. They have relationships with good people, they nurture these relationships so that the connections are strong, and they draw on these relationships when things get tough. So what can you do if you find yourself without these strong connections? As we get older, most of our relationships are formed around our activities – so pursue activities that enable you to meet people and form friendships. Join a hiking club or walking group; take an art class; find a bookclub (we know it’s not so much about the books).
4. Volunteer. People who thrive tend to give of themselves. What’s more, it’s a great way to meet people. Volunteering takes your attention off yourself and your problems and gets you focused on needs elsewhere that might be even greater than yours.
5. Learn to deal with your stress. We all have stress. It is part of life. However, as Shakespeare said: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. It is the way we think about the events of our lives that creates the stress, rather than the events themselves. We can think about an event as a disaster or as a setback. We can think about a loss or failure as devastating or as an opportunity to try again. We can also remind ourselves that “this too shall pass.” In fact, one of my favourite quotations is “Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet it’s not the end.” (Tracy McMillan).
6. Develop the ability to quiet your mind. Sometimes we are tormented by rumination. We ask endless “what if…” questions. We play an event over and over reminding ourselves of what an idiot we were. We worry about things that are either outside our control or that are actually already under control. If you are asking “what if…” questions, then answer the question. For example, what if I lose my job? Answer the question – I will look for another job / I will start my own business / I will take some time off. If you are tormenting yourself, practice thought interruption (google it). If you can do something about the source of your worry, then do it. Otherwise, let it go (tell yourself “let it go”).
   Learn mindfulness techniques – even something as simple as mindful breathing.
7. Get help when you need it. Let’s get one thing straight. I am not saying that people who thrive never have problems with their mental and physical health. What I am saying is that when they do, they deal with it in a specific way. They seek help. Something about their physical health is not right? They see a doctor. They are struggling with anxiety or depression, they see a therapist. They see this as natural – just as you would call a plumber when you have a leak or a burst pipe – rather than shameful. They are willing to do the work and do the healing, rather than suffering and enduring.

If this article speaks to you, and you want to make some personal changes, write down some goals for your physical health and your mental health. Then create an action plan that is achievable. Just get started somewhere. As you integrate one aspect into your life, you can bring in something else. Don’t over-engineer it, and don’t try and do everything at once. Seek progress rather than perfection and acknowledge yourself for whatever progress you make.
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to start developing your own ability to thrive regardless of what life is throwing at you, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.