Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

About 3 weeks ago I wrote an article about people who thrive, despite life being difficult. They do specific things, including taking care of their physical and mental health. In this article and the supporting video, I'm going to talk about something else they do which enhances their ability to thrive - they are comfortable in their own skin! They are ok with themselves, they are fine with their looks and weight, they feel fine about the people they hang out with, they feel fine about their occupation or profession.

In other words, they don't expend useless energy comparing themselves with other people, or comparing themselves with some hopeless standard of perfection. 

That is not to say that they simply accept everything about themselves and refuse to grow and change. Not at all. However, they make changes that move them in the direction of their own goals, and not in the direction of everyone else's approval.

If they are heavier than they'd like to be, they do something about it and don't allow it to go to far. When they fall off the wagon, they clamber back on without pointless recriminations. If they know they are going to indulge - say, over Christmas or Eid or Hannukah - they ringfence specific "cheat days" and then go back to their healthy eating habits. They never just throw it all in with an "Oh what they hell - I might as well just pig out".

They choose their friends according to their value system, and are comfortable with the company they keep - they have no need to keep one group of friends from another group of friends or from their family. The same with their occupation - they are comfortable talking about their work.

Whilst they recognise that the good opinion of others is important in some respects, they are not derailed by the fact that some people may not like them or approve of them. Having said this, if they notice a pattern, they are willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for how they might be earning the disapproval of others - and then do something about it if it is important enough.

People who thrive often have their own sense of style. That is not to say that they are fashion icons. However, they have probably decided how they like to dress and how they want to look - and they are fine with it. 

So if you have read all of this and you are still saying "Well that's all very well in theory, but I'm well into adulthood/middle age and I just don't know how to do these things", what can you do?  Here are some ideas:

1. Do an inventory.

• What do you like/what can you be proud of regarding your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks? Give yourself credit for progress and improvements that you've made along the way. These are aspects of yourself that you want to keep and appreciate.
• What would you like to change about your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks?
• What do you need to make peace with and even embrace? For example, if you are a statuesque woman of 190cm in height, embrace it! You are never going to be petite no matter what you do! 

2. Set some goals.

• Weight goals: To get from Xkg to Ykg by (date) / I want to fit into a size X by (date)
• Style goals
• Friendship goals: To make friends who enjoy (activity) by (joining a club/online group). You can also end friendships that diminish you and are not in your best interests.
• Career goals: To be promoted to (name it) by (date); to find a new job that better suits your interests and skills.
• Network goals: To meet colleagues in (name the parts of the organisation) and have them call me for input.

3. Make sure each goal has an action plan.
4. Choose a set of affirmations that address your negative self-talk and support your success (google "how to use affirmations"), and use them as a mantra many times a day. Make sure that these are loving affirmations - you will grow to believe them as you use them.
5. Do a daily reflection: ask yourself what you did today to move each goal forward, no matter how slightly; ask yourself how you demonstrated your better nature (the likeable aspects of yourself) today.
6. Track your progress - use a tool such as Monday.com or trello.com. They are great because you can track whether or not you actually took action relevant to each goal all on one dashboard. Maybe also get yourself an accountability buddy - someone who will hold you accountable and give you "the look" when you are fooling yourself; someone who will celebrate with you and give you a high five when you win.
7. Celebrate progress. Allow yourself to revel in your small wins and give yourself appropriate rewards - but be careful not to reward yourself with things that derail you, like a wedge of chocolate cake when you've lost 2kg!
​8. Accept compliments graciously. Just smile and say "Thank you."

Remember that you are fabulous and worthwhile and deserving - and remind yourself often!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become comfortable in your own skin, and you know that it's going to be a real challenge, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

We seem to have this thing about starting new routines on a Monday.
In the same way, we make New Year's resolutions. Or we set new goals on our birthdays.

We choose days that seem to be magical start dates.

What is that about? 

When we do that we are just setting ourselves up for failure. 

Monday comes and goes and you didn't start, so you put it off until next Monday. And then the weather is bad, or you don't feel great, so you put it off until the following Monday. And then that Monday you are traveling for work, so you can't start that day - and so it goes and so it goes.

MONDAY IS THE LAST REFUGE OF THE PROCRASTINATOR!

Once you have decided to start something, start! Start today, or tomorrow at the latest.

Break this habit of only starting on a Monday. Just start.

And when you fall off the wagon, and you will, start again straight away.

Contact Me
If you recognise that procrastination is your undoing and you want to change it, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

I believe that it is very likely that ALL my articles this year will have something to do with the fact that life is difficult, and to rise above this, we need to do what we must in order to thrive. It may include developing grit, building resilience or becoming mentally tough. The fact of the matter is this:

• Life IS difficult. It is difficult for everyone in different ways, and sometimes it is more difficult than at other times.
• Not everyone suffers as a result of life’s difficulties. That’s not to say that they don’t find it hard. It’s just that it is not necessarily experienced as suffering. And if they do experience suffering, they know that it will pass.
• The characteristics of people who endure and thrive are identifiable.
• Some people have these characteristics as a result of either their natural character, or as a result of how they were raised.
• All these characteristics can be learned and cultivated.

In my previous article, I described 5 characteristics of people who thrive. In this article, I am going to discuss how to develop and cultivate the first one: People who thrive take control of their physical and mental health.
Let’s start with physical health. Being strong, fit (meaning having a certain amount of stamina) and feeling well are an essential aspect of thriving. When your body looks good, feels good and works well, you simply feel better and enjoy life more – no matter what you are going through. Furthermore, the process of getting and staying strong and fit (some weight training, some endurance training, and some flexibility) releases happy hormones into your body (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins) which sets you up for a good day, and makes you more likely to have the fortitude to roll with whatever may come your way.
So let’s say that you currently have not been thriving (everything feels hard, maybe you’re a bit depressed, maybe you feel stuck), what can you do?

1. Put a simple routine in place – the emphasis being on simple. If you over-engineer it, chances are it won’t last. A simple routine may start with the decision to walk for 30 minutes 4 times a week. If you can, do it in the fresh air. Also, you might want to “multi-task” on this one – either listening to a book or inspiring podcast, or using it as a kind of moving meditation. Then, once this is established as a habit, you might start some strength training. I remember a challenge I did one year that consisted of squats, push-ups and plank.
   1. Day 1: 10 squats; 10 push-ups; 20 seconds plank.
   2. Day 2: 11 squats, 11 push-ups; 25 seconds plank.
   3. Day 3: 12 squats, 12 push-ups; 30 seconds plank.
   4. For each subsequent day, add 1 squat, 1 push-up and 5 seconds of plank so that, by day 30 you are doing 40 squats, 40 push-ups and almost 3 minutes of plank!
2. Make a decision to eat food that your body likes – meaning it is food that makes you feel good and is good for you. Ditch the food you know isn’t good for you – pizza, KFC, everything stuffed into large amounts of bread. Choose the food that is good for you. A general rule of thumb is that you must be able to name everything you see in front of you – so it must be unprocessed, find veggies and fruit that you like (or can prepare in ways that you can stand), include some protein and some fat. Maybe even get someone to deliver prepared, balanced meals that tick the boxes – it will cost no more than those takeaways.
   Can you ever have a treat? Of course you can – but make 1 day a week your cheat day and don’t go crazy, undoing all the good you’ve done in the previous 6 days. And if you fall off the wagon? Just get back on.
3. Drink plenty of water every day, and limit your intake of alcohol.
4. Quit smoking or vaping. You know it’s not good for you. Don’t fool yourself.
5. Get plenty of good quality sleep. Our bodies are designed to sleep when it’s dark and wake when it’s light, so gaming until the wee hours and trying to play catch-up during the day is a mug’s game. Obviously if you are a shift worker, you need to do what you must do in order to get good quality sleep.

Now we need to talk about mental health. People who thrive take personal responsibility for their mental health. This means that they do the following:

1. They are kind to themselves. They avoid endless self-criticism and self-flagellation. If they have let themselves down in some way, they are honest about it and get back on the bus – but they don’t invest endless energy in beating themselves up. If this is your habit – to beat yourself up – then I recommend Bob Newhart’s form of therapy. It is available here.
2. They have hobbies and interests that they include in their routine. Whether they love doing crosswords, gardening, making art or reading, they include it in their lives. I did not say that they “make time for it” because that suggests that they squeeze it in amongst all the important things in their lives. They actually include it amongst all the other important things.
3. They have relationships with good people, they nurture these relationships so that the connections are strong, and they draw on these relationships when things get tough. So what can you do if you find yourself without these strong connections? As we get older, most of our relationships are formed around our activities – so pursue activities that enable you to meet people and form friendships. Join a hiking club or walking group; take an art class; find a bookclub (we know it’s not so much about the books).
4. Volunteer. People who thrive tend to give of themselves. What’s more, it’s a great way to meet people. Volunteering takes your attention off yourself and your problems and gets you focused on needs elsewhere that might be even greater than yours.
5. Learn to deal with your stress. We all have stress. It is part of life. However, as Shakespeare said: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. It is the way we think about the events of our lives that creates the stress, rather than the events themselves. We can think about an event as a disaster or as a setback. We can think about a loss or failure as devastating or as an opportunity to try again. We can also remind ourselves that “this too shall pass.” In fact, one of my favourite quotations is “Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet it’s not the end.” (Tracy McMillan).
6. Develop the ability to quiet your mind. Sometimes we are tormented by rumination. We ask endless “what if…” questions. We play an event over and over reminding ourselves of what an idiot we were. We worry about things that are either outside our control or that are actually already under control. If you are asking “what if…” questions, then answer the question. For example, what if I lose my job? Answer the question – I will look for another job / I will start my own business / I will take some time off. If you are tormenting yourself, practice thought interruption (google it). If you can do something about the source of your worry, then do it. Otherwise, let it go (tell yourself “let it go”).
   Learn mindfulness techniques – even something as simple as mindful breathing.
7. Get help when you need it. Let’s get one thing straight. I am not saying that people who thrive never have problems with their mental and physical health. What I am saying is that when they do, they deal with it in a specific way. They seek help. Something about their physical health is not right? They see a doctor. They are struggling with anxiety or depression, they see a therapist. They see this as natural – just as you would call a plumber when you have a leak or a burst pipe – rather than shameful. They are willing to do the work and do the healing, rather than suffering and enduring.

If this article speaks to you, and you want to make some personal changes, write down some goals for your physical health and your mental health. Then create an action plan that is achievable. Just get started somewhere. As you integrate one aspect into your life, you can bring in something else. Don’t over-engineer it, and don’t try and do everything at once. Seek progress rather than perfection and acknowledge yourself for whatever progress you make.
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to start developing your own ability to thrive regardless of what life is throwing at you, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.