Anyone who knows me (and many who don’t) know that I have opinions about lots of things. In some cases, it’s because I’m a know-it-all, but in most cases it’s based on my nearly 60 years on this earth and my 38 years in the field of people development. I have worked with men and women of all races, at every level in the corporate hierarchy, every possible personality type, advantaged people, disadvantaged people, people with happy childhoods and those with disastrous childhoods. Many of them have been victims of something – abuse, rape, attacks, robberies, bullying, racism, prejudice, you name it.

If there is one thing I know for sure it is that allowing oneself to be defined by one’s wounds, scars and past injuries is a recipe for a miserable life of unrealizable potential. It is not possible to be happy if you are defined by your wounds, and it is impossible to realize your potential if you don’t stop looking over your shoulder at your past. Your wounds may have left scars that will always be there, but even scarred people can have eyes forward and march into a positive future.

I am moving into dangerous territory here. I am at risk of being heard to say that those who have wounds need to get over it. How dare I say such a thing? I have this internal debate going – am I saying that; am I saying something else? Maybe it starts with an understanding of what it takes to “get over it”.

When one says “just get over it” there is the implication that this is a small thing that simply requires that one makes a decision. It’s way more complicated than that, so let me make an attempt at what is takes to “get over it”.

Disclaimer: There is very real psychopathology that has its roots in past experiences and that is not my area of expertise. My expertise lies more in the arena of positive human functioning. Therefore, I will base this article on what I know enhances the human capacity to thrive, and not on psychopathology.

I really like the way Andrea Mathews explains the issue of woundedness: “And THAT is the wound. It isn’t just the pain of what was done—we can get past pain through a healthy grief process. The “damage” is done when we change the identity to match the event, person or circumstance so that we ARE now that event, person or circumstance in some small or large way.”

I don’t think “getting over it” starts with a decision so much as a realization – that defining oneself as a victim is an obstacle to a good life. When you have become defined by what happened to you, you may observe the following in yourself:

• Hypervigilance – constantly looking for evidence of new and related sources of hurt. For example, if you have been hurt by racism in your past, you will be extremely vigilant to new instances of racism – even when that is not what is going on. Think of this as being easily offended or outraged.
• Feeling attacked when someone tries to give you helpful feedback or make a suggestion for moving forward. This is the person who yells “How dare you suggest that I get over it!”
• Blaming external factors and events for one’s life – my life is the way it is because of what so-and-so did to me; I didn’t get the promotion because so-and-so is out to get me; I can’t come across as confident because of what happened when I was a child. Of course, because nothing is their fault or responsibility, they cannot be expected to be responsible for making changes to their lives.
• Having manypeople in your circle who blame everyone and everything but themselves for their circumstances – birds of a feather flocking together.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms – examples include finding 101 problems for every solution; developing a negative outlook where one’s expectations of life are kept extremely low in order to avoid disappointment; feeling stuck and approaching challenges with a negative outlook.
• Believing that life or the world is out to get you.

This has been defined in the psychology literature as “victimhood mindset” or “victim mentality”.

The impact of a victim mindset is that it creates a whole society of people whose primary identification is with being oppressed. This is a culture in which there is an expectation of some kind of payback, reparations or the expectation that lives will only change when “they” change in some way. No matter how justified this expectation might be, let’s be clear that (1) it is NEVER going to happen, and (2) even if it does happen in some way, it will NEVER be enough. Victimhood is a bottomless pit that just cannot be filled.

It is important to shake off a victim mindset because of its impact on YOURSELF. It holds you back. It keeps you unhappy and resentful. It actively prevents you from enjoying any real personal success. It is completely self-defeating. The most liberating thing that anyone with a victim mindset can do is to let go of the hope or expectation that anyone other than themselves will ever change their lives! There are no saviours! Life doesn’t owe you anything – but YOU owe yourself something. What you owe yourself is the shaking off of the victim chains that keep you bound to the past in order to embrace a winning mindset that has you 100% responsible for defining your future, even if you did not shape your past.

Shaking off such a mindset can be difficult, because a victim mentality has important payoffs:

• You don't have to take accountability when nothing is your responsibility – so you’re off the hook;
• You get sympathy and attention (and maybe even tangible benefits such as grants);
• You don’t have to take risks or be vulnerable.

Because the victim mentality is a learned behaviour, it can be unlearned and replaced with a winning mindset. However, this cannot happen until you personally have a blinding flash of insight – or maybe it emerges gradually – that your victim mindset is preventing you from having the life you want. With this realization comes the acceptance of personal responsibility – you cannot have the life you want if you don’t change your mindset, and only you can take on a new mindset.

Once you accept personal responsibility, educate yourself. Read books, blogs and articles on victim mentality or victimhood mindset. Make sure you understand it as a phenomenon, and that you develop your understanding of how to shift from a victim mindset to a winning mindset.

Consider seeking therapy as a healthy way to process the pain of the past so that you are liberated to start looking forward and making choices that make for a good life.

Choose who you spend time with. Move away from spending time with other victims. Surround yourself with people who have succeeded, who have risen above life’s challenges, who have a winning mindset, who take responsibility for what they can do in the face of life’s difficulties.

Say No to things you do not want to do. You have a choice – exercise your choice. Prioritise yourself and your objectives more than worrying about other people’s feelings.

Be kind to yourself. This can be a tough journey – moving from a victim mindset to a winning mindset. It takes work. You will slip up – but you can notice it, and correct course every time you slip up.

Take time to relish moments of joy. You absolutely will experience more moments of joy as a winner than you possibly can as a victim. Enjoy them!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to do some important work in shifting to a winning mindset so that you can create the life you want, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
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Previous Articles
This article is the latest in a series that follows the theme that “Life is Difficult”, and yet we can definitely live a life of victory and fulfillment if we choose to do so. My purpose in writing these articles is to share tips and tools for thriving even though life is difficult.

People who thrive even when life is difficult are not without their problems and challenges. Even they lose their jobs, get sick, suffer losses and tragedies and have relationship issues. They tend to handle these in particularly helpful ways, as I have described here. What is more to the point is that they set themselves up to thrive because they have a positive outlook on life that is based on optimism and hope for the future.

What exactly is optimism? The following explanation was published in an article in Psychology Today: “To many psychologists, optimism reflects the belief that the outcomes of events or experiences will generally be positive. Others contend that optimism is more an explanatory style; it resides in the way people explain the causes of events. Optimists are likely to see the causes of failure or negative experiences as temporary rather than permanent, specific rather than global, and external rather than internal. Such a perspective enables optimists to more easily see the possibility of change.”

They have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

I believe that this is largely about the choices we make – and these are all important choices.

1. Albert Einstein once said “The most important decision we can make is whether this is a friendly or hostile universe. From that one decision all others spring.” Choosing to see our world as a safe place is the basis for all other decisions.
2. The expectation that things will most probably work out is another key choice – there are no “facts” in an expectation, so we either choose to expect a positive outcome or we choose to expect a negative outcome.
3. Choosing to see the causes of negative events and experiences as
   1. temporary rather than permanent (“this too shall pass”);
   2. external rather than internal (this is a function of something that is happening in my world rather than being a function of something that is about me);
   3. specific to this person or the current circumstances rather than as general in relation to human nature or the world.

We choose what to believe – our beliefs are not a given.

Some people are “natural” optimists – it is as if they decided very young that the world is a safe place. As a result they have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

It is a way of looking at the world that gives the optimist more agency than the pessimist. They feel at least partly responsible for the quality of their own lives and for how things turn out. They have a healthier outlook on life and live longer than pessimists. They also have better outcomes when they experience illness and other negative experiences. This is not to say that they have the unrealistic belief that they will only have good experiences in life – which can actually cause its own problems!

Self-awareness is always the key to personal growth, so ask yourself these questions:

• Do you generally see the glass as half empty or half full?
• Do you look for the “difficulty in every opportunity or the opportunity in every difficulty” (Churchill)?
• Do you often experience a sense of impending doom or do you generally expect that things will work out?
• Do you tend to try and keep things like they’ve always been or do you try new things, put yourself out there for new experiences, learn new skills and live life with enthusiasm?
• Do you spend more time than you should regretting the past or worrying about the future or do you mostly live in the present moment and experience joy and gratitude often?

If an honest consideration of these questions shows that you tend to be an optimist, then you have a good chance of riding out life’s difficulties. You will find the opportunities. You will allow yourself to experience the joys. You will experience life’s adventures with enthusiasm. You will deal with life’s setbacks and be ok.

If, on the other hand, you recognise that you are the opposite, then what can you do to change it?
 
Call to Action
Firstly, accept that there is work to do and that it will take personal honesty and effort.

​Then, I think, there are 3 ways to do the work:

1. Do the work on your own using a process to guide you. Understand that it will take work and that you will need to be consistent – but know that it is worth the effort. Here are some examples:
   1. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-train-your-brain-be-more-optimistic-ncna795231
   2. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-be-optimistic-4164832
   3. https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/02/01/being-optimist-ways-to-overcome-pessimism/
2. Spend some time working with a therapist. If the first suggestion is just not working for you and you find yourself constantly returning to a state of pessimism, perhaps you need someone to help you find your way to a more optimistic state of mind. Perhaps you are depressed and need to treat that first.
3. Find a coach who can work with your typical ways of seeing and responding to the world, and help you to find alternatives that are more hopeful and optimistic. You could email me on [email protected] and we can discuss your coaching programme.

This week’s article continues my series on what it takes to thrive despite the fact that life is difficult – which begins here. If you’ve missed the previous articles, I encourage you to go back and read them.

People who thrive despite life’s challenges can teach us a great deal about how to live well. One of their important skills (abilities/habits/disciplines) is that they handle life’s challenges and setbacks well. Everyone experiences difficulties along the way – illness, setbacks, disappointments, tragedies and losses, bad days and hard times.

People who thrive despite this tend to ride these things out because they have the skills to do so. Let’s explore what these skills are:

1. They recognise that they always have choices – and the main choice exists in deciding how to respond to whatever comes their way. No matter what challenge you face, you can choose how to respond:

• You can choose to collapse in an endless puddle of tears – that’s one option, but it’s not going to get you very far if you stay there;
• You can choose to stick your head in the sand and pretend that it isn’t happening – but that also has its limitations;
• You can choose to rage at God, the universe, the medical profession, whatever – but all that will do is raise your blood pressure and alienate your nearest and dearest because it wears a bit thin;
• You can choose to allow yourself to go through the grief cycle, with or without the help of a friend or counsellor. Many setbacks are losses – a diagnosis of a terminal or degenerative illness or condition; loss of a job; retirement; a break-up – and it is healthy to allow yourself to move through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is very useful to have someone to help you through this.
• You can choose to put on a brave face some of the time and with some people, and reserve your strong emotions for people who are in your core support circle. Having a core support circle is fundamental to thriving!
• You can take a philosophical stance. Examples would include “Everything happens for a reason”; “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”; “This too shall pass”; “It is what it is”. All of these are ways of not allowing your situation to consume you.
• You can choose some combination of the above. The most important thing is that you make a choice. When you make a choice, the power is in your hands. None of these responses is inevitable – they might be natural, but they are not inevitable.
  

2. They recognise that there are things over which they have no control – the things that happen to them – but that their reactions and responses are a matter of choice. One of the most stressful things in life is investing loads of emotional energy into things you can do nothing about. Unfortunately some things are outside of our control and need to be accepted. In some instances, it simply is what it is.

That is not to say that you should not make an effort to find a solution. If you or someone you love has an awful medical diagnosis, you can get another opinion, research treatments and cures and try multiple options, but there may come a time when you need to let it go, make peace with what is, and simply make an effort to live as well as you can under the circumstances. Working with a coach or therapist can be enormously helpful under these circumstances.

3. They are able to maintain a sense of perspective and not overreact to what happens. They know where to find their internal pause button. This ability to pause, breathe and think about how to respond is incredibly powerful. No shooting from the hip. No huge drama. Just the ability to stop and think and gain some perspective before deciding how to proceed.

4. No matter what happens, they have a quiet confidence that they are able to get through it or past it and “rise again” so to speak. I love the saying “Everything works out in the end, and if it hasn’t worked out yet you haven’t reached the end”. It reminds me that, come what may, I’ll be fine. I’ll handle things ok. I’ll get past whatever it is that troubles me.
 
Maybe this can all be summed up thus. People who thrive despite life’s challenges and setbacks don’t indulge in lots of drama. They breathe, slow things down, think and proceed in a measured way. This is a skill that can be learned.

Think about your own responses to challenges and setbacks. Do you shoot from the hip? Do you overreact? Do you do drama? Is there any space between stimulus and response? If your habit is a knee-jerk response, then try this the next time you are faced with a challenge or setback:

1. Pause – don’t say or do anything at all.
2. Breathe – slow and deep to slow down your heart rate.
3. Ask yourself – what does this situation require of me?
4. Respond in measured tones.

And if you are interrupted during this process, hold up your hand and say “Let me think.”

Contact Me
If you recognise that you could use some support in navigating something that life has chucked at you, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.