Over the last while I’ve been reading and writing about resilience, grit and mental toughness simply because I believe that life is difficult – it is difficult for all of us in different ways at different times – and if we don’t develop those capacities that enable us to endure, then we will live a life of suffering.
Resilience, grit, and mental toughness are interconnected psychological constructs that relate to how individuals cope with and adapt to challenges, setbacks, and stressors. While they share some similarities, they also have distinct characteristics:
Resilience refers to an individual's ability to bounce back from adversity, trauma, or stress. It involves adapting positively in the face of adversity, maintaining psychological well-being, and often growing stronger as a result of challenges.
Grit is defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals. It involves sustaining effort and interest in pursuing objectives despite setbacks, failures, or obstacles.
Mental toughness is characterized by the ability to maintain focus, determination, and motivation in the midst of pressure, stress, or difficult situations. It involves staying composed, resilient, and performing effectively under pressure.
 
I have explored 2 questions in this article:

1. Does having had a tough and wounding childhood enhance the likelihood of your having these capacities or diminish it? In other words, are they a consequence of nurture or life experiences? And secondly,
2. How does personality type influence the extent to which you have or do not have these capacities? Is it more to do with nature?

The answers are really interesting – but not entirely surprising.

Childhood psychological wounds can significantly impact an individual's resilience, grit, and mental toughness – and it can be either positive or negative:
Positive Impact: Some people develop resilience, grit, and mental toughness as a result of overcoming childhood adversity or trauma. In some people, these experiences can lead to increased self-awareness, coping skills, and a deeper understanding of one's strengths and limitations.
Negative Impact: On the other hand, childhood psychological wounds can also hinder the development of resilience, grit, and mental toughness. People who experienced significant childhood trauma, neglect, or adversity may struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem, difficulty regulating their emotions, and difficulty coping with the stresses of life.
The impact of negative childhood experiences on resilience, grit, and mental toughness can vary widely among different people and there is no direct predictable causal link. Factors such as social support, coping mechanisms, access to resources, and personal beliefs play crucial roles in shaping one’s ability to thrive despite past challenges.
In summary, while personality traits can influence the level of resilience, grit, and mental toughness individuals exhibit, experiences and childhood psychological wounds also play significant roles. Positive experiences can foster growth and resilience, while negative experiences may pose challenges that require intentional effort and support to overcome.

In my coaching practice I use the Enneagram profile quite a lot, so I was curious about the impact of personality on one’s resilience, grit and mental toughness. The Enneagram is a personality typing system that categorizes people into nine distinct personality types, each with its own motivations, fears, strengths, and growth areas. While the Enneagram primarily focuses on underlying motivations and core beliefs rather than specific traits like resilience, grit, and mental toughness, certain Enneagram types may exhibit characteristics that align with these qualities to varying degrees. It's important to note that individuals of any Enneagram type can develop resilience, grit, and mental toughness through self-awareness, personal growth, and intentional efforts.

Here's a general overview of how different Enneagram types might relate to resilience, grit, and mental toughness:
Type 1 - The Perfectionist: Ones are often driven by a desire for integrity, improvement, and doing what is right. They can exhibit high levels of resilience and mental toughness, particularly in areas where they are committed to making a positive impact or upholding their principles. However, their perfectionistic tendencies may also create pressure and self-criticism that could affect their grit in some situations.
Type 2 - The Helper: Twos are empathetic, caring, and supportive people who often prioritize the needs of others. They may demonstrate resilience and grit in relationships and situations where they can contribute to others' well-being. However, they may need to cultivate mental toughness in setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care.
Type 3 - The Achiever: Threes are ambitious, goal-oriented, and focused on success. They can display high levels of grit and mental toughness in pursuing their objectives and overcoming obstacles to achieve recognition and accomplishment. However, they may need to develop resilience in handling setbacks or failures that challenge their self-image.
Type 4 - The Individualist: Fours are introspective, creative, and sensitive people who value authenticity and emotional depth. They may demonstrate resilience in navigating complex emotions and experiences, drawing strength from their introspection and self-expression. However, they may face challenges in developing grit and mental toughness in areas requiring sustained effort and practicality.
Type 5 - The Investigator: Fives are analytical, knowledgeable, and independent thinkers who seek understanding and expertise. They may exhibit resilience and mental toughness in intellectual pursuits and problem-solving, leveraging their capacity for deep focus and strategic thinking. However, they may need to work on grit in interpersonal or high-pressure situations that demand emotional engagement.
Type 6 - The Loyalist: Sixes are loyal, responsible, and cautious people who value security and preparedness. They can demonstrate resilience and mental toughness in situations where they feel supported, trusted, and prepared for challenges. However, their anxiety and fear of uncertainty may sometimes impact their grit, requiring them to build confidence and assertiveness.
Type 7 - The Enthusiast: Sevens are adventurous, optimistic, and spontaneous people who seek new experiences and possibilities. They may display resilience in bouncing back from setbacks and maintaining a positive outlook, drawing on their adaptability and optimism. However, they may need to develop grit in sticking with long-term commitments and facing uncomfortable emotions.
Type 8 - The Challenger: Eights are assertive, decisive, and protective people who value strength, autonomy, and fairness. They often exhibit high levels of resilience, grit, and mental toughness in facing challenges, standing up for themselves and others, and driving change. However, they may benefit from cultivating emotional resilience and vulnerability in certain situations.
Type 9 - The Peacemaker: Nines are peaceful, harmonious, and accommodating people who seek unity and avoid conflict. They may demonstrate resilience in maintaining stability and calmness under pressure, leveraging their adaptability and empathy. However, they may need to develop grit in asserting their needs and priorities, as well as maintaining focus on personal goals.
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It's essential to remember that Enneagram types provide insights into core motivations and patterns of behaviour. It does not determine an individual's capacity for resilience, grit, or mental toughness, although it may suggest how this might vary within an individual.
 
The key to personal growth of any kind is self-awareness, introspection, and personal efforts. Regardless of your childhood experiences or your personality type, you can develop all of these capabilities.

​There seems to be a strong connection between Grit and a growth mindset - seeing achievement as being the result of the acquisition of skill over time, and commitment to continuous improvement.(For more about the definition of Grit, see www.leadershipsolutions.co.za/articles/grit-sticking-with-it-for-the-long-haul).

Since the essence of Grit is that one is able to persist towards BIG long-term goals, that is the place to start.

What is the big, long-term goal that you want to achieve? It is likely to be something that will take several years to achieve. Perhaps there is a 5 - 10 year business goal; or a long-term goal in terms of a qualification you want to achieve; or a challenging financial goal that you are after. 

Put this goal down on paper. Build as much detail into what the successful achievement of the goal will look like. This could be in the form of:

• a vision board - find pictures that illustrate what achievement of the goal will look like;
• a blueprint or set of plans (as one might have for building a house);
• a detailed verbal description of the goal with clear visual or measurable descriptors of the detail.

Whatever you put down, it must inspire YOU. It is not for other people. They don't have to approve or agree. The idea of achieving your big long-term goal is that the idea of its achievement gets you excited.

The "problem" with really big long-term goals is that it is pretty much impossible to build an action plan that gets you from start to finish all in one go. The best you can hope for is as follows:

1. Break the big long-term goal into its component parts. You can brainstorm this. Accept that you will inevitably leave something out, so allow for the idea of building this document over time. It will never be perfect and it will always evolve. Each of these component parts will be a sub-goal of the larger goal.
2. Decide where to start. Think about which sub-goals are dependent on the achievement of other sub-goals. These dependencies will influence the order in which you do things. Also think about which sub-goals are easy to achieve early on - these will give you a sense of achievement and efficacy, which energizes you for some of the tougher sub-goals. Once again, there is no perfect place to start. What you are looking for is a starting point that gets you moving and whose achievement is not so far down the line that even the idea of getting started is overwhelming. Your sub-goal could be the accumulation of information that will make it easier to make future decisions - often we don't know where to start because we don't know what will be involved. Well then that is your first sub-goal - to gather the information that will enable good planning.
3. Write an action plan for the first sub-goal to be tackled. You know how to do this: write the action and give each one a deadline. Draw it up in a table that can be updated in real-time (check out the free project management tools that are available online - clickup.com/blog/free-project-management-software/).
4. Put the actions into your calendar. Now you not only know the deadline for taking the action, but you have also set aside time for taking the action.
5. Update your project manager as you execute each task - set this up as a visual because as you update it, you will have a sense of achievement.
6. Set aside time in your calendar as an appointment with yourself to do your weekly, monthly and annual planning.
7. As part of your monthly planning, go back and look at the sub-goals and figure out which can now come onto your radar, and compile the action plan. Add this to your project manager.

Self-discipline is a fundamental component of Grit - there is no success without it. Here are some important self-disciplines:

1. Remind yourself that the time is going to pass anyway. This might be a 10-year goal - but the 10 years are going to pass anyway. Do you want to 10 years from now and still talking or thinking about this, or do you want to be 10 years into the execution of your goal? Time is not going to stand still while you make up your mind.
2. Planning must become part of your routine. Block out a day in your calendar once a year to do some annual planning (even if you will be doing it alone). Block out time in your calendar monthly to look at your annual plan and decide what actions are to be taken in the coming month - and schedule those actions. Have a time every week when you do some planning for the coming week. These planning disciplines ensure that you keep your big long-term goal on your radar and that you don't get too far behind.
3. Have an accountability partner. I can't tell you how valuable it is to have someone to whom you formally report on progress. It must be someone who is strong enough to call you on your bullshit; someone who will give you the look when you make excuses; someone who will cheer you on when you cross off big milestones; someone who will encourage you when you have setbacks or go off track.
4. Celebrate your wins! This could mean cracking open the champagne when you achieve an important milestone and celebrating with someone. It could be a post on social media so that others can join you in the celebration. Even if you don't think you are the kind of person who needs to celebrate success, you are. Celebration of success spurs us on to the next stage in the journey and gives you a vital opportunity to experience some joy.
5. Get back on the horse! You will miss deadlines. You will get busy and distracted with other stuff. You will do a whole lot of work that doesn't deliver what you had expected. Some of your plans will go off track. That's life. People with Grit don't spend a lot of time beating themselves up. They also don't give up. They get back on the horse and keep going. This is a critical element of Grit.
6. Understand that developing Grit requires that you do gritty things. You won't develop Grit first and then be able to pursue big long-term goals. You will develop Grit while you are pursuing these goals. So do gritty things and little by little you will realise that you have become a gritty person!

Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

I believe that it is very likely that ALL my articles this year will have something to do with the fact that life is difficult, and to rise above this, we need to do what we must in order to thrive. It may include developing grit, building resilience or becoming mentally tough. The fact of the matter is this:

• Life IS difficult. It is difficult for everyone in different ways, and sometimes it is more difficult than at other times.
• Not everyone suffers as a result of life’s difficulties. That’s not to say that they don’t find it hard. It’s just that it is not necessarily experienced as suffering. And if they do experience suffering, they know that it will pass.
• The characteristics of people who endure and thrive are identifiable.
• Some people have these characteristics as a result of either their natural character, or as a result of how they were raised.
• All these characteristics can be learned and cultivated.

In my previous article, I described 5 characteristics of people who thrive. In this article, I am going to discuss how to develop and cultivate the first one: People who thrive take control of their physical and mental health.
Let’s start with physical health. Being strong, fit (meaning having a certain amount of stamina) and feeling well are an essential aspect of thriving. When your body looks good, feels good and works well, you simply feel better and enjoy life more – no matter what you are going through. Furthermore, the process of getting and staying strong and fit (some weight training, some endurance training, and some flexibility) releases happy hormones into your body (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins) which sets you up for a good day, and makes you more likely to have the fortitude to roll with whatever may come your way.
So let’s say that you currently have not been thriving (everything feels hard, maybe you’re a bit depressed, maybe you feel stuck), what can you do?

1. Put a simple routine in place – the emphasis being on simple. If you over-engineer it, chances are it won’t last. A simple routine may start with the decision to walk for 30 minutes 4 times a week. If you can, do it in the fresh air. Also, you might want to “multi-task” on this one – either listening to a book or inspiring podcast, or using it as a kind of moving meditation. Then, once this is established as a habit, you might start some strength training. I remember a challenge I did one year that consisted of squats, push-ups and plank.
   1. Day 1: 10 squats; 10 push-ups; 20 seconds plank.
   2. Day 2: 11 squats, 11 push-ups; 25 seconds plank.
   3. Day 3: 12 squats, 12 push-ups; 30 seconds plank.
   4. For each subsequent day, add 1 squat, 1 push-up and 5 seconds of plank so that, by day 30 you are doing 40 squats, 40 push-ups and almost 3 minutes of plank!
2. Make a decision to eat food that your body likes – meaning it is food that makes you feel good and is good for you. Ditch the food you know isn’t good for you – pizza, KFC, everything stuffed into large amounts of bread. Choose the food that is good for you. A general rule of thumb is that you must be able to name everything you see in front of you – so it must be unprocessed, find veggies and fruit that you like (or can prepare in ways that you can stand), include some protein and some fat. Maybe even get someone to deliver prepared, balanced meals that tick the boxes – it will cost no more than those takeaways.
   Can you ever have a treat? Of course you can – but make 1 day a week your cheat day and don’t go crazy, undoing all the good you’ve done in the previous 6 days. And if you fall off the wagon? Just get back on.
3. Drink plenty of water every day, and limit your intake of alcohol.
4. Quit smoking or vaping. You know it’s not good for you. Don’t fool yourself.
5. Get plenty of good quality sleep. Our bodies are designed to sleep when it’s dark and wake when it’s light, so gaming until the wee hours and trying to play catch-up during the day is a mug’s game. Obviously if you are a shift worker, you need to do what you must do in order to get good quality sleep.

Now we need to talk about mental health. People who thrive take personal responsibility for their mental health. This means that they do the following:

1. They are kind to themselves. They avoid endless self-criticism and self-flagellation. If they have let themselves down in some way, they are honest about it and get back on the bus – but they don’t invest endless energy in beating themselves up. If this is your habit – to beat yourself up – then I recommend Bob Newhart’s form of therapy. It is available here.
2. They have hobbies and interests that they include in their routine. Whether they love doing crosswords, gardening, making art or reading, they include it in their lives. I did not say that they “make time for it” because that suggests that they squeeze it in amongst all the important things in their lives. They actually include it amongst all the other important things.
3. They have relationships with good people, they nurture these relationships so that the connections are strong, and they draw on these relationships when things get tough. So what can you do if you find yourself without these strong connections? As we get older, most of our relationships are formed around our activities – so pursue activities that enable you to meet people and form friendships. Join a hiking club or walking group; take an art class; find a bookclub (we know it’s not so much about the books).
4. Volunteer. People who thrive tend to give of themselves. What’s more, it’s a great way to meet people. Volunteering takes your attention off yourself and your problems and gets you focused on needs elsewhere that might be even greater than yours.
5. Learn to deal with your stress. We all have stress. It is part of life. However, as Shakespeare said: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. It is the way we think about the events of our lives that creates the stress, rather than the events themselves. We can think about an event as a disaster or as a setback. We can think about a loss or failure as devastating or as an opportunity to try again. We can also remind ourselves that “this too shall pass.” In fact, one of my favourite quotations is “Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet it’s not the end.” (Tracy McMillan).
6. Develop the ability to quiet your mind. Sometimes we are tormented by rumination. We ask endless “what if…” questions. We play an event over and over reminding ourselves of what an idiot we were. We worry about things that are either outside our control or that are actually already under control. If you are asking “what if…” questions, then answer the question. For example, what if I lose my job? Answer the question – I will look for another job / I will start my own business / I will take some time off. If you are tormenting yourself, practice thought interruption (google it). If you can do something about the source of your worry, then do it. Otherwise, let it go (tell yourself “let it go”).
   Learn mindfulness techniques – even something as simple as mindful breathing.
7. Get help when you need it. Let’s get one thing straight. I am not saying that people who thrive never have problems with their mental and physical health. What I am saying is that when they do, they deal with it in a specific way. They seek help. Something about their physical health is not right? They see a doctor. They are struggling with anxiety or depression, they see a therapist. They see this as natural – just as you would call a plumber when you have a leak or a burst pipe – rather than shameful. They are willing to do the work and do the healing, rather than suffering and enduring.

If this article speaks to you, and you want to make some personal changes, write down some goals for your physical health and your mental health. Then create an action plan that is achievable. Just get started somewhere. As you integrate one aspect into your life, you can bring in something else. Don’t over-engineer it, and don’t try and do everything at once. Seek progress rather than perfection and acknowledge yourself for whatever progress you make.
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to start developing your own ability to thrive regardless of what life is throwing at you, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.