In my previous article, I discussed the fact that life is difficult – and it’s difficult for everyone in different ways. Some people thrive despite life’s myriad difficulties, while some people don’t. They don’t develop the kind of agency that enables them to launch from their birth home and get on with life; they struggle with depression or anxiety; they suffer from a kind of paralysis that prevents them from making their way in life.
In this article I am going to discuss what enables us to thrive despite life’s difficulties, but I will discuss the “how” in later articles. So what is true of people who are able to thrive and live rich, effective lives despite anything that life might throw at them?
Dr. Daniel Brown, a sport and exercise scientist at the University of Portsmouth in the United Kingdom, conducted a review of the existing literature, and came up with the following definition of what it means to thrive:
“[Thriving] appears to come down to an individual experiencing a sense of development, of getting better at something, and succeeding at mastering something. In the simplest terms, what underpins it is feeling good about life and yourself and being good at something.”
Dr. Brown’s literature review also identified what he referred to as “enablers” – factors that enhance our likelihood of thriving – and these include:

• “a positive outlook on life, being religious or spiritual, having a proactive personality, being motivated, being committed to learning and expanding one’s knowledge, being psychologically resilient, and being socially competent – that is, surrounded by family, friends, and colleagues.
• “Contextual enablers” include being in a situation wherein the challenges are at an adequate level compared with one’s capabilities, and having interpersonal relationships based on attachment and trust.
• Receiving support from one’s family, colleagues, and employers is also important, and being given a high degree of autonomy and being trusted as competent are key elements.

 
According to The Thrive Programme (www.thriveprogramme.org), people who thrive have 5 characteristics in common:

1. They take control of their physical and mental health. This means that they make specific decisions that are the interests of their physical and mental health. They decide how they will eat; they choose to do exercise that supports their health and fitness; they choose what they will and will not put into their bodies in the form of drink, drugs, food supplements, etc. Also, they pick up when they have allowed things to slip and take appropriate action in terms of exercise, diet and spending time outdoors. When they have health problems or injuries, they take the appropriate rest and are disciplined in any required rehabilitation.
   They also take responsibility for their mental health. They make sure that they have enough of a balance between their personal and professional lives, and put boundaries in place to protect and preserve this balance. They are able to manage and defend against the unreasonable demands and expectations of other people in order to ensure that they have enough of those aspects of life that bring joy.
   They are grateful for all that they have, and tend to be optimistic and upbeat. They do not feel the need to dwell on sad or difficult past events, and when they are going through tough events, they tend to take a problem solving approach, focusing what is in their control and knowing that “this too shall pass”. They seek assistance from coaches and therapists when appropriate.
   The key here is that they don’t necessarily always have perfect physical and mental health. However, they make decisions and take action in terms of their choices, recognizing that they are responsible for their mental and physical health. Consequently, they seldom suffer from severe symptoms of stress, anxiety or depression.
2. They are comfortable in their own skin. People who thrive are comfortable with who they are. They do not feel obliged to fit into someone else’s mold and, at the same time, are not stubbornly dancing to the beat of a different drum. They recognize that other people’s good opinion is important without depending on affirmation from others, neither are they crushed by criticism. They are able to consider other opinions and still form opinions of their own. They are not derailed by conflict or confrontation, and do not suffer from worry or anxiety about their looks, dress, choice of friends or choice of occupation. They are simply comfortable with who they are.
3. They are active contributors in all areas of their lives. At work they are seen as contributors, extending themselves beyond their immediate role and responsibilities, and they actively develop their skills so that they are able to contribute even more. They learn from their mistakes and take responsibility for their own performance. In their intimate relationships they do the work that it takes to contribute to a good relationship, and they make an effort in their social relationships. Having said that, they accept that relationships can end and are philosophical if and when this happens. They are active parents who get involved with their children’s lives, accepting that their responsibility as parents is to mould their children into contributing members of society.
4. When life presents challenges, they handle them well. We all experience difficulties along the way – illness, setback, disappointments, tragedies and losses, bad days and hard times. They tend to ride these things out because they have the skills to do so. They recognise that they always have choices – and the main choice is in how to respond to whatever comes their way. They recognise that there are things over which they have no control – the things that happen to them – but that their reactions and responses are a matter of choice. They are able to maintain a sense of perspective and not overreact to what happens. No matter what happens, they have a quiet confidence that they are able to get past it and “rise again” so to speak.
5. They have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

 
Some people develop the characteristics above as a function of how they are raised – their parents teach them these things – some people seem to develop them despite how they were raised, and some people set out to learn them. This will be the topic of my next article, so look out for it.
Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to start developing your own “Thrive Characteristics”, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

“Life is difficult.
This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled.

The last 2 years have been unbelievably difficult for many of us. People have lost their jobs, marriages have broken up, people have had to home school their children, get used to working remotely, and there is an epidemic of mental health issues.

Has this period of your life been more difficult than other periods of your life? For me, it’s not that it’s been more difficult. It’s that it’s been difficult in different ways. I can think of countless periods in my life where life has been difficult – times when I had money troubles; times when I started a new business; when a relationship broke up; when I was in a toxic work environment; when my son left home. Those were all difficult, but I can’t rate them on some kind of comparative scale.

The fact is that life is difficult. The real world is not for sissies. The world of work has no place for snowflakes. The social media space is brutal. Children and adults are experiencing bullying online and “out there”. There are no “safe spaces”!

We are also tiptoeing around everyone’s issues trying desperately not to offend anyone. That is simply not sustainable, and it’s just not authentic. How are you supposed to live a fulfilling and authentic life when you spend it worrying about who is going to be offended? We seem to live in a world where the worst thing you can do is offend someone. Really?

If you go through life looking for things to offend you, you will find them by the thousands. Looking for things to offend you is about hanging on to your wounds and making the rest of the world responsible for not “poking” those wounds.
Everyone has wounds! No matter how idyllic your childhood, or how charmed your life, there are experiences in your past or present that are wounding and that you can allow to define you.

Do you have a right to do that? Of course you do! But it is not about what you are entitled to do. You are fully entitled to hold onto every wound you have ever experienced. You are entitled to feel any way you choose. It is not for me or anyone else to tell you how to feel.

You can hold onto your wounds. You can pick them and scratch them and bring them out for everyone to see. You can yelp every time someone pokes or bumps them and hold them responsible for your pain. You can do that, but in the words of Dr Phil (McGraw), “How’s that working out for you?”

Or you can do the work of healing and getting on with making a successful and happy life for yourself. If you do that, nobody will be able to offend you. It will no longer be your stuff. People around you will make thoughtless or insensitive comments. They may even make outrageous comments that are deeply bigoted. You will have a wider range of choices if you are no longer defined by your wounds:

• You can choose to ignore it and move on;
• You can choose to point out that it is a bigoted remark that has no place in your circle of friends;
• You can pick up that it is a pattern and choose to move away.

Each of these choices can be made without your day being ruined. They are values-based choices. They don’t need to be fed with negative energy. You don’t need to talk over and over about how offended you are. You make a choice about how to deal with it and you move on.

In my opinion (as humble as it isn’t), there is nothing to be gained by hanging onto and being defined by your wounds. If you experienced abuse in your past, will you live the rest of your life defined by it? If you (or your parents even) experienced racism in their past, will your life be defined by that? If you have a boss who is a bully, or you work in a toxic environment, will you allow that to shape every aspect of your life?

You can choose to, but it is going to keep you hyper-vigilant (anxious), easily upset, constantly focused on the negative, offended, and it will suck the energy out of you. It will also suck the energy out of every interpersonal scenario you find yourself in. You will find yourself immersed in pity parties with other similarly wounded people – and you can scratch each other’s wounds in a continuous game of ain’t it awful.

Life is difficult. It is difficult for everyone in different ways. That’s just how it is. I believe we owe it to ourselves to embrace this as a fact - it is true for everyone. This means that some people will grapple with anxiety – that is their form of “life is difficult”. Some people will struggle with depression – their form of “life is difficult”. Some people will struggle with a toxic boss, or a challenging business environment. Some will have constant or repeated money challenges. Some will struggle with failed or failing relationships. Everyone is going to have their own struggles.

We need to be able to ride them out. We need to develop resilience. We need to raise resilient children. We need to have grit. We need to develop mental toughness. These are the things that enable us to rise above life’s difficulties and thrive. It takes work. It doesn’t just happen. It’s not about being naturally resilient, or naturally tough. It takes work.

I am on a bit of a mission in 2022. I want to bring the focus from our wounds and our difficulties to the things that will enable us to succeed and thrive regardless of what life chucks at us. Look out for articles that deal with issues such as:

• How to develop resilience;
• What is grit and how can you get some;
• How can you become mentally tough;
• Burnout: how it happens, how to recover and how to prevent it.

​Let me know if there are any specific topics in line with this theme that you would like to read about.
For each and every one of you, I hope that 2022 is a kinder, gentler year and, if it is not, that you will have the courage and the fortitude to deal with whatever may come your way.