I think of resilience as being much like a parachute. You had better have it when you need it, and if you don’t have it at that time, then it is too late. You can’t develop resilience at the time that you need resilience. You have to develop it as part of being a growing human being so that it is available to you when you need it. In this article, I will explore how you can develop the skills that give you the resilience you need when you need it.

These are the abilities typical of resilient people:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

These abilities are supported when you have the following skills:
1. The Ability to Mind Your Mind
​It is said that the mind is a faithful servant but a tyrannical master. We need to learn how to be in charge of the way we think about things. Do you play mental games of “Ain’t it awful”? Do you ask yourself endless “what if” questions? Do you make mountains out of molehills in your mind? You need to learn how to counter this whenever you do it. Here are some examples:

• Every time you play “ain’t it awful”, stop and ask yourself what you can do about the situation you are in. Can you take action to change your circumstances? Then do it. Can you think about it as a problem to be solved? Then solve the problem. Can you think about it differently, focusing on the opportunities the situation provides you with? Do it. Can you simply shift your attention to something you can do something about? Do that then.
• If you find yourself asking endless “what if” questions, get into the habit of answering the question. “What if I lose my job?” Decide what you will do; decide what you will do to always be ready for such an eventuality. “What if they don’t like my proposal?” Will you offer an alternative proposal? Will you ask questions to ascertain what needs to be changed in order to get approval? “What if this economy really tanks?” Decide what you will do to protect your investments. Decide how you will get out of debt.
• Are you aware that you tend to make mountains out of molehills? Catch yourself when you are amplifying issues and picture them as tiny problems. There is an NLP visualization technique that has you imagine placing the issue on the palm of your hand and visualize it becoming smaller and smaller.
• Of course, when you are mentally tormenting yourself with catastrophizing thoughts, you can always take the Bob Newhart therapy – stop it!
• Don’t lose your sense of humour! It is remarkable how laughter can take the sting out of difficult situations and give you a sense that you can handle it.

These are techniques that take practice – but if you practice them consistently, you will be able to draw on them when life gets crazy.

2. Develop the Habit of Solving Problems
Resilient people are able to solve problems in the moment. They have a habit of asking themselves “what can I do about this” whenever they face a problem, obstacle or challenge. It is a habit of mind and can be learned. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes you need to stop, take a few breaths and think about how you can approach something. Having decided what you can do about something, you also need to decide what you will do about something.
Learn to do this in relation to the small, everyday issues, and you will be able to practice it when it really counts.

3. Build Good Friendships in Your Work and Personal Life
Don’t ever underestimate the powerful buffering impact of good friendships. You don’t need a lot of friends, but you do need some friends – and you definitely need a friend or 2 at work. Friends offer each other the following:

• A place to laugh, cry, talk or just be – you don’t actually need to be drawing something specific from a friendship for it to be having a positive impact. You don’t even need to spend a great deal of time with your friends – but they do need to be there and you do need to be willing to draw closer to them from time to time.
• Work friends have an especially positive impact on your “inner work life”. Even when your work is very pressurized, the presence of work friends makes a positive impact on the experience of being at work. Work friends can offer you another point of view or way of looking at things – and sometimes you just need a place to have a bit of a grumble!
• Having a partner who is also a friend is a wonderful buffer when life is difficult – when home is your “soft place to fall” you are significantly buffered against life’s challenges and setbacks. When home is tainted with toxicity it makes you extremely vulnerable to the negative impacts of adversity.

 
4. Exercise and Physical Health
Too often I hear my clients telling me that they’ll get back to the gym when they are “over this hump”, or that they’ll resume their sport when it warms up. Who are they fooling? Firstly, you’re never really over the hump. Secondly, you need the positive benefits of exercise NOW, while you’re negotiating the hump. People who are resilient build exercise into their schedule – it is part of their scheduled activities, rather than something they “find/make time for”. It is a priority – it does not take a back seat to other priorities. Exercise releases powerful hormones which are a powerful antidote to the damaging stress hormones that are released when life is difficult. Type “impact of exercise on mental health” into the Google task bar and see how much information comes up to this effect!

Another mistake people make is to push through when they are sick, rather than seeing a doctor and taking things a bit more slowly. This takes a punishing toll on your body and can trigger the onset of all sorts of negative immune responses. The same applies if you feel you’re not coping emotionally. See a doctor – don’t be a hero.

5. What you eat and drink
It is tempting to comfort eat when you are battling life’s challenges. However, once again the evidence is compelling that this can create a vicious cycle - feeling stressed leads to consumption of unhelpful foods which has a negative impact on your mental state, which leads to more consumption of unhelpful foods. Healthy eating habits during less stressful times make it easier to maintain healthy eating habits when the pressure is on. But you know this, don’t you!

The upshot of all of this is that resilience is something you build when you don’t need it so that you have it when you do. It is about establishing and practicing healthy mental and physical habits on an ongoing basis so that you have this powerful buffering effect when you need it.
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Call to Action
If you recognise that you need to start developing your resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

​Somebody once said that one should list “living in South Africa” as a skill set, and even more so if you live in Kwazulu Natal. Many of us have said that we’re just tired of being resilient. Actually we’d like to be able to collapse into a puddle and have a good cry in the knowledge that someone will pick us up and make it all better.

The truth is that that is never going to happen. We live in a world where shit happens. We have to withstand the impact of all sorts of dramas. Locally we have had Covid 19 with all its tragedies and personal difficulties, the riots and looting of July 2021 and now the devastating floods of April 2022 that have resulted in widespread loss of life and property.

Resilience might be thought of as the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with a crisis and to bounce back after the crisis without long-term health or psychological consequences. Resilient people are those who are able to remain calm during the crisis, making good decisions for themselves and others. They then return to their pre-crisis psychological and mental state quickly, and move on from it without any residual difficulties.

It includes the following abilities:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

​Consider your own circumstances:

• What ongoing, disruptive change are you needing to cope with?
• What is happening to your health as a result of the constant pressure you are experiencing?
• Are you bouncing back from adversity, or do you find yourself being weighed down by feelings of despair and hopelessness?
• What changes do you now have to make because the way things were is no longer possible?

 
Resilient people have a significant advantage over people who are not resilient – people who respond to adversity with helplessness or a sense of being victims. Consider this:

• Companies that have resilient employees perform better during tough times than companies that don’t;
• During downsizing (or whatever it is being called this week) resilient employees with a wide set of competencies have a better chance of being kept on
• Resilient job applicants are more likely to be hired than those who are not;
• When the job skills of resilient people are no longer needed, they will quickly learn new ways to earn an income;
• When the economic times are tough, resilient people give their families a better chance of pulling through and bouncing back;
• Resilient people are able to make the best out of difficult situations;
• Less resilient people are more likely to become ill during difficult times.

 
Now rate your own resilience (1 = very little; 5 = very strong):

From “The Resiliency Advantage” by Al Siebert.
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Scoring :
Low score: A self rating score under 50 indicates that life is probably a struggle for you. You may not handle pressure well. You don’t learn anything useful from bad experiences. You feel hurt when people criticize you. You may sometimes feel helpless and without hope.
If these statements fit you, ask yourself “Would I like to learn how to handle my difficulties better”. If your answer is yes, then a good way to start is to meet with others who are working to develop their resilience skills. Let them coach, encourage and guide you. Another way is to work with a coach or a therapist. The fact that you feel motivated to be more resilience is a positive sign.

High score: If you rated yourself high on most of these statements you would have a score over 90. This means you know you are very good at bouncing back from life’s setbacks.
A question for you to consider is whether you feel willing to tell your story to others and make yourself available to people who are trying to cope with adversities. People learn from real-life role models. You could be one.

Middle scores: If you agreed with many of the statements and scored in the 70-89 range, then that is very good! It means that you are fairly resilient, but that you could become even more resilient and confident by paying attention to some of those factors that will make the difference.
If you scored in the 50-69 range, you appear to be fairly adequate, but you may be underrating yourself. A much larger percentage of people underrate themselves than overrate themselves on the assessment. Some people have a habit of being modest and automatically give themselves a 3 on every item for a total score of 60. If your score is in the 50-69 range, we need to find out how valid your self rating is.

In the next article, we will look at ways in which you can develop your own resilience, after which we will consider how you might enable your team to become more resilient.
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Contact Me
Resilience has everything to do with how you think about things, so it is a completely coachable topic. If you recognise that you need to strengthen your own resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

People who thrive even when life is difficult are not without their problems and challenges. Even they lose their jobs, get sick, suffer losses and tragedies and have relationship issues. They tend to handle these in particularly helpful ways, as I have described here. What is more to the point is that they set themselves up to thrive because they have a positive outlook on life that is based on optimism and hope for the future.

What exactly is optimism? The following explanation was published in an article in Psychology Today: “To many psychologists, optimism reflects the belief that the outcomes of events or experiences will generally be positive. Others contend that optimism is more an explanatory style; it resides in the way people explain the causes of events. Optimists are likely to see the causes of failure or negative experiences as temporary rather than permanent, specific rather than global, and external rather than internal. Such a perspective enables optimists to more easily see the possibility of change.”

They have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

I believe that this is largely about the choices we make – and these are all important choices.

1. Albert Einstein once said “The most important decision we can make is whether this is a friendly or hostile universe. From that one decision all others spring.” Choosing to see our world as a safe place is the basis for all other decisions.
2. The expectation that things will most probably work out is another key choice – there are no “facts” in an expectation, so we either choose to expect a positive outcome or we choose to expect a negative outcome.
3. Choosing to see the causes of negative events and experiences as
   1. temporary rather than permanent (“this too shall pass”);
   2. external rather than internal (this is a function of something that is happening in my world rather than being a function of something that is about me);
   3. specific to this person or the current circumstances rather than as general in relation to human nature or the world.

We choose what to believe – our beliefs are not a given.

Some people are “natural” optimists – it is as if they decided very young that the world is a safe place. As a result they have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

It is a way of looking at the world that gives the optimist more agency than the pessimist. They feel at least partly responsible for the quality of their own lives and for how things turn out. They have a healthier outlook on life and live longer than pessimists. They also have better outcomes when they experience illness and other negative experiences. This is not to say that they have the unrealistic belief that they will only have good experiences in life – which can actually cause its own problems!

Self-awareness is always the key to personal growth, so ask yourself these questions:

• Do you generally see the glass as half empty or half full?
• Do you look for the “difficulty in every opportunity or the opportunity in every difficulty” (Churchill)?
• Do you often experience a sense of impending doom or do you generally expect that things will work out?
• Do you tend to try and keep things like they’ve always been or do you try new things, put yourself out there for new experiences, learn new skills and live life with enthusiasm?
• Do you spend more time than you should regretting the past or worrying about the future or do you mostly live in the present moment and experience joy and gratitude often?

If an honest consideration of these questions shows that you tend to be an optimist, then you have a good chance of riding out life’s difficulties. You will find the opportunities. You will allow yourself to experience the joys. You will experience life’s adventures with enthusiasm. You will deal with life’s setbacks and be ok.

If, on the other hand, you recognise that you are the opposite, then what can you do to change it?
 
Call to Action
Firstly, accept that there is work to do and that it will take personal honesty and effort.

​Then, I think, there are 3 ways to do the work:

1. Do the work on your own using a process to guide you. Understand that it will take work and that you will need to be consistent – but know that it is worth the effort. Here are some examples:
   1. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-train-your-brain-be-more-optimistic-ncna795231
   2. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-be-optimistic-4164832
   3. https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/02/01/being-optimist-ways-to-overcome-pessimism/
2. Spend some time working with a therapist. If the first suggestion is just not working for you and you find yourself constantly returning to a state of pessimism, perhaps you need someone to help you find your way to a more optimistic state of mind. Perhaps you are depressed and need to treat that first.
3. Find a coach who can work with your typical ways of seeing and responding to the world, and help you to find alternatives that are more hopeful and optimistic. You could email me on [email protected] and we can discuss your coaching programme.

Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.