I think of resilience as being much like a parachute. You had better have it when you need it, and if you don’t have it at that time, then it is too late. You can’t develop resilience at the time that you need resilience. You have to develop it as part of being a growing human being so that it is available to you when you need it. In this article, I will explore how you can develop the skills that give you the resilience you need when you need it.

These are the abilities typical of resilient people:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

These abilities are supported when you have the following skills:
1. The Ability to Mind Your Mind
​It is said that the mind is a faithful servant but a tyrannical master. We need to learn how to be in charge of the way we think about things. Do you play mental games of “Ain’t it awful”? Do you ask yourself endless “what if” questions? Do you make mountains out of molehills in your mind? You need to learn how to counter this whenever you do it. Here are some examples:

• Every time you play “ain’t it awful”, stop and ask yourself what you can do about the situation you are in. Can you take action to change your circumstances? Then do it. Can you think about it as a problem to be solved? Then solve the problem. Can you think about it differently, focusing on the opportunities the situation provides you with? Do it. Can you simply shift your attention to something you can do something about? Do that then.
• If you find yourself asking endless “what if” questions, get into the habit of answering the question. “What if I lose my job?” Decide what you will do; decide what you will do to always be ready for such an eventuality. “What if they don’t like my proposal?” Will you offer an alternative proposal? Will you ask questions to ascertain what needs to be changed in order to get approval? “What if this economy really tanks?” Decide what you will do to protect your investments. Decide how you will get out of debt.
• Are you aware that you tend to make mountains out of molehills? Catch yourself when you are amplifying issues and picture them as tiny problems. There is an NLP visualization technique that has you imagine placing the issue on the palm of your hand and visualize it becoming smaller and smaller.
• Of course, when you are mentally tormenting yourself with catastrophizing thoughts, you can always take the Bob Newhart therapy – stop it!
• Don’t lose your sense of humour! It is remarkable how laughter can take the sting out of difficult situations and give you a sense that you can handle it.

These are techniques that take practice – but if you practice them consistently, you will be able to draw on them when life gets crazy.

2. Develop the Habit of Solving Problems
Resilient people are able to solve problems in the moment. They have a habit of asking themselves “what can I do about this” whenever they face a problem, obstacle or challenge. It is a habit of mind and can be learned. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes you need to stop, take a few breaths and think about how you can approach something. Having decided what you can do about something, you also need to decide what you will do about something.
Learn to do this in relation to the small, everyday issues, and you will be able to practice it when it really counts.

3. Build Good Friendships in Your Work and Personal Life
Don’t ever underestimate the powerful buffering impact of good friendships. You don’t need a lot of friends, but you do need some friends – and you definitely need a friend or 2 at work. Friends offer each other the following:

• A place to laugh, cry, talk or just be – you don’t actually need to be drawing something specific from a friendship for it to be having a positive impact. You don’t even need to spend a great deal of time with your friends – but they do need to be there and you do need to be willing to draw closer to them from time to time.
• Work friends have an especially positive impact on your “inner work life”. Even when your work is very pressurized, the presence of work friends makes a positive impact on the experience of being at work. Work friends can offer you another point of view or way of looking at things – and sometimes you just need a place to have a bit of a grumble!
• Having a partner who is also a friend is a wonderful buffer when life is difficult – when home is your “soft place to fall” you are significantly buffered against life’s challenges and setbacks. When home is tainted with toxicity it makes you extremely vulnerable to the negative impacts of adversity.

 
4. Exercise and Physical Health
Too often I hear my clients telling me that they’ll get back to the gym when they are “over this hump”, or that they’ll resume their sport when it warms up. Who are they fooling? Firstly, you’re never really over the hump. Secondly, you need the positive benefits of exercise NOW, while you’re negotiating the hump. People who are resilient build exercise into their schedule – it is part of their scheduled activities, rather than something they “find/make time for”. It is a priority – it does not take a back seat to other priorities. Exercise releases powerful hormones which are a powerful antidote to the damaging stress hormones that are released when life is difficult. Type “impact of exercise on mental health” into the Google task bar and see how much information comes up to this effect!

Another mistake people make is to push through when they are sick, rather than seeing a doctor and taking things a bit more slowly. This takes a punishing toll on your body and can trigger the onset of all sorts of negative immune responses. The same applies if you feel you’re not coping emotionally. See a doctor – don’t be a hero.

5. What you eat and drink
It is tempting to comfort eat when you are battling life’s challenges. However, once again the evidence is compelling that this can create a vicious cycle - feeling stressed leads to consumption of unhelpful foods which has a negative impact on your mental state, which leads to more consumption of unhelpful foods. Healthy eating habits during less stressful times make it easier to maintain healthy eating habits when the pressure is on. But you know this, don’t you!

The upshot of all of this is that resilience is something you build when you don’t need it so that you have it when you do. It is about establishing and practicing healthy mental and physical habits on an ongoing basis so that you have this powerful buffering effect when you need it.
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Call to Action
If you recognise that you need to start developing your resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

​Somebody once said that one should list “living in South Africa” as a skill set, and even more so if you live in Kwazulu Natal. Many of us have said that we’re just tired of being resilient. Actually we’d like to be able to collapse into a puddle and have a good cry in the knowledge that someone will pick us up and make it all better.

The truth is that that is never going to happen. We live in a world where shit happens. We have to withstand the impact of all sorts of dramas. Locally we have had Covid 19 with all its tragedies and personal difficulties, the riots and looting of July 2021 and now the devastating floods of April 2022 that have resulted in widespread loss of life and property.

Resilience might be thought of as the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with a crisis and to bounce back after the crisis without long-term health or psychological consequences. Resilient people are those who are able to remain calm during the crisis, making good decisions for themselves and others. They then return to their pre-crisis psychological and mental state quickly, and move on from it without any residual difficulties.

It includes the following abilities:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

​Consider your own circumstances:

• What ongoing, disruptive change are you needing to cope with?
• What is happening to your health as a result of the constant pressure you are experiencing?
• Are you bouncing back from adversity, or do you find yourself being weighed down by feelings of despair and hopelessness?
• What changes do you now have to make because the way things were is no longer possible?

 
Resilient people have a significant advantage over people who are not resilient – people who respond to adversity with helplessness or a sense of being victims. Consider this:

• Companies that have resilient employees perform better during tough times than companies that don’t;
• During downsizing (or whatever it is being called this week) resilient employees with a wide set of competencies have a better chance of being kept on
• Resilient job applicants are more likely to be hired than those who are not;
• When the job skills of resilient people are no longer needed, they will quickly learn new ways to earn an income;
• When the economic times are tough, resilient people give their families a better chance of pulling through and bouncing back;
• Resilient people are able to make the best out of difficult situations;
• Less resilient people are more likely to become ill during difficult times.

 
Now rate your own resilience (1 = very little; 5 = very strong):

From “The Resiliency Advantage” by Al Siebert.
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Scoring :
Low score: A self rating score under 50 indicates that life is probably a struggle for you. You may not handle pressure well. You don’t learn anything useful from bad experiences. You feel hurt when people criticize you. You may sometimes feel helpless and without hope.
If these statements fit you, ask yourself “Would I like to learn how to handle my difficulties better”. If your answer is yes, then a good way to start is to meet with others who are working to develop their resilience skills. Let them coach, encourage and guide you. Another way is to work with a coach or a therapist. The fact that you feel motivated to be more resilience is a positive sign.

High score: If you rated yourself high on most of these statements you would have a score over 90. This means you know you are very good at bouncing back from life’s setbacks.
A question for you to consider is whether you feel willing to tell your story to others and make yourself available to people who are trying to cope with adversities. People learn from real-life role models. You could be one.

Middle scores: If you agreed with many of the statements and scored in the 70-89 range, then that is very good! It means that you are fairly resilient, but that you could become even more resilient and confident by paying attention to some of those factors that will make the difference.
If you scored in the 50-69 range, you appear to be fairly adequate, but you may be underrating yourself. A much larger percentage of people underrate themselves than overrate themselves on the assessment. Some people have a habit of being modest and automatically give themselves a 3 on every item for a total score of 60. If your score is in the 50-69 range, we need to find out how valid your self rating is.

In the next article, we will look at ways in which you can develop your own resilience, after which we will consider how you might enable your team to become more resilient.
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Contact Me
Resilience has everything to do with how you think about things, so it is a completely coachable topic. If you recognise that you need to strengthen your own resilience, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

Anyone who knows me (and many who don’t) know that I have opinions about lots of things. In some cases, it’s because I’m a know-it-all, but in most cases it’s based on my nearly 60 years on this earth and my 38 years in the field of people development. I have worked with men and women of all races, at every level in the corporate hierarchy, every possible personality type, advantaged people, disadvantaged people, people with happy childhoods and those with disastrous childhoods. Many of them have been victims of something – abuse, rape, attacks, robberies, bullying, racism, prejudice, you name it.

If there is one thing I know for sure it is that allowing oneself to be defined by one’s wounds, scars and past injuries is a recipe for a miserable life of unrealizable potential. It is not possible to be happy if you are defined by your wounds, and it is impossible to realize your potential if you don’t stop looking over your shoulder at your past. Your wounds may have left scars that will always be there, but even scarred people can have eyes forward and march into a positive future.

I am moving into dangerous territory here. I am at risk of being heard to say that those who have wounds need to get over it. How dare I say such a thing? I have this internal debate going – am I saying that; am I saying something else? Maybe it starts with an understanding of what it takes to “get over it”.

When one says “just get over it” there is the implication that this is a small thing that simply requires that one makes a decision. It’s way more complicated than that, so let me make an attempt at what is takes to “get over it”.

Disclaimer: There is very real psychopathology that has its roots in past experiences and that is not my area of expertise. My expertise lies more in the arena of positive human functioning. Therefore, I will base this article on what I know enhances the human capacity to thrive, and not on psychopathology.

I really like the way Andrea Mathews explains the issue of woundedness: “And THAT is the wound. It isn’t just the pain of what was done—we can get past pain through a healthy grief process. The “damage” is done when we change the identity to match the event, person or circumstance so that we ARE now that event, person or circumstance in some small or large way.”

I don’t think “getting over it” starts with a decision so much as a realization – that defining oneself as a victim is an obstacle to a good life. When you have become defined by what happened to you, you may observe the following in yourself:

• Hypervigilance – constantly looking for evidence of new and related sources of hurt. For example, if you have been hurt by racism in your past, you will be extremely vigilant to new instances of racism – even when that is not what is going on. Think of this as being easily offended or outraged.
• Feeling attacked when someone tries to give you helpful feedback or make a suggestion for moving forward. This is the person who yells “How dare you suggest that I get over it!”
• Blaming external factors and events for one’s life – my life is the way it is because of what so-and-so did to me; I didn’t get the promotion because so-and-so is out to get me; I can’t come across as confident because of what happened when I was a child. Of course, because nothing is their fault or responsibility, they cannot be expected to be responsible for making changes to their lives.
• Having manypeople in your circle who blame everyone and everything but themselves for their circumstances – birds of a feather flocking together.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms – examples include finding 101 problems for every solution; developing a negative outlook where one’s expectations of life are kept extremely low in order to avoid disappointment; feeling stuck and approaching challenges with a negative outlook.
• Believing that life or the world is out to get you.

This has been defined in the psychology literature as “victimhood mindset” or “victim mentality”.

The impact of a victim mindset is that it creates a whole society of people whose primary identification is with being oppressed. This is a culture in which there is an expectation of some kind of payback, reparations or the expectation that lives will only change when “they” change in some way. No matter how justified this expectation might be, let’s be clear that (1) it is NEVER going to happen, and (2) even if it does happen in some way, it will NEVER be enough. Victimhood is a bottomless pit that just cannot be filled.

It is important to shake off a victim mindset because of its impact on YOURSELF. It holds you back. It keeps you unhappy and resentful. It actively prevents you from enjoying any real personal success. It is completely self-defeating. The most liberating thing that anyone with a victim mindset can do is to let go of the hope or expectation that anyone other than themselves will ever change their lives! There are no saviours! Life doesn’t owe you anything – but YOU owe yourself something. What you owe yourself is the shaking off of the victim chains that keep you bound to the past in order to embrace a winning mindset that has you 100% responsible for defining your future, even if you did not shape your past.

Shaking off such a mindset can be difficult, because a victim mentality has important payoffs:

• You don't have to take accountability when nothing is your responsibility – so you’re off the hook;
• You get sympathy and attention (and maybe even tangible benefits such as grants);
• You don’t have to take risks or be vulnerable.

Because the victim mentality is a learned behaviour, it can be unlearned and replaced with a winning mindset. However, this cannot happen until you personally have a blinding flash of insight – or maybe it emerges gradually – that your victim mindset is preventing you from having the life you want. With this realization comes the acceptance of personal responsibility – you cannot have the life you want if you don’t change your mindset, and only you can take on a new mindset.

Once you accept personal responsibility, educate yourself. Read books, blogs and articles on victim mentality or victimhood mindset. Make sure you understand it as a phenomenon, and that you develop your understanding of how to shift from a victim mindset to a winning mindset.

Consider seeking therapy as a healthy way to process the pain of the past so that you are liberated to start looking forward and making choices that make for a good life.

Choose who you spend time with. Move away from spending time with other victims. Surround yourself with people who have succeeded, who have risen above life’s challenges, who have a winning mindset, who take responsibility for what they can do in the face of life’s difficulties.

Say No to things you do not want to do. You have a choice – exercise your choice. Prioritise yourself and your objectives more than worrying about other people’s feelings.

Be kind to yourself. This can be a tough journey – moving from a victim mindset to a winning mindset. It takes work. You will slip up – but you can notice it, and correct course every time you slip up.

Take time to relish moments of joy. You absolutely will experience more moments of joy as a winner than you possibly can as a victim. Enjoy them!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to do some important work in shifting to a winning mindset so that you can create the life you want, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
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Previous Articles
This article is the latest in a series that follows the theme that “Life is Difficult”, and yet we can definitely live a life of victory and fulfillment if we choose to do so. My purpose in writing these articles is to share tips and tools for thriving even though life is difficult.

Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on [email protected] and let’s discuss your coaching programme.