The past couple of years have taken their toll on both individuals and teams. I’ve written a lot about resilience in individuals, but we also need to look at cultivating resilience in teams. I believe that the remote working of the last 2 years has not been good for teams. It takes a very specific and deliberate approach to even create a sense of “team” when team members work remotely. Building team resilience takes great presence of mind and quite a lot of attention from both the team leader and the members of the team.
A resilient team is one which easily adapts to change and embraces that challenges that the world of work presents them with. In a resilient team, there is a high level of self-management, people are self-motivated to achieve work objectives, and they strive for continuous improvement. These are exactly the characteristics that have been required during the Covid-19 pandemic in order for teams to continue to do well. But remember what I’ve said before: resilience is like a parachute – you’d better have one when you need one or you’ll never need it again.
Resilient teams have eight key characteristics:

1. Coping Ability
Perseverance and inner strength mark the resilient team. Challenges are seen as opportunities to grow. Members believe the best in each other in spite of weaknesses, and recall the many examples of endurance and success in the past. They work through communication impasses and try alternative approaches to work when necessary. They also minimize distractions to stay focused on their work, and regularly use resources outside of the team for ongoing training and coaching. 

2. Commitment
Aim at everything and you'll hit nothing. Resilient teams have specific goals, clear strategies, and defined relationships into which they invest themselves. Members are resolutely dedicated to each other’s well-being and to accomplishing the team's purpose. Members feel like they belong to and can influence their group. The goals of the team are highly valued and prioritized, yet with due regard for members' responsibilities to family, friends, the local community, and other groups.

3. Appreciation
Team members regularly and easily express their appreciation for each other. Thanking one-another and acknowledging each other's contributions add much to group cohesion. Appreciation is both an attitude and a behavior, so cultivate both!

4. Communication
Members of strong teams have good communication skills, including conflict resolution. They listen well and can empathize by reflecting back what they hear, and they validate others' feelings. They value self-awareness, taking time to step back and reflect in order to step forward and connect with others. Genuine efforts are made to explore and relate together in culturally-sensitive ways. There are also clear written and verbal channels for exchanging information and updates about life and work. 

5. Time Together
Teams need quality time together, and a lot of it. This is especially true during significant transitions: when teams bring in new members, during crisis situations, or during the early stages of team life. Intimacy with a few members but congeniality with all is a reasonable goal. Resiliency also results from periodically having "fun" times together - simply enjoying one another's company - plus from building mutually supportive friendships. 
This has been the greatest negative during the work from home period we’ve been through. Many organisations have decided to either continue to allow working from home or to implement a hybrid working arrangement. This either means working some days at home and some days at work, or it means that some people work from home and some people come to the office.
We need to be very clear that there is no virtual substitute for teams spending time together. Regardless of the working model adopted by your organisation, you need to make sure that there are regular opportunities for your team to spend time together. Some people have become very comfortable working from home, and are resistant to efforts to bring them back to the office, but you need to make certain team together-time non-negotiable. And it is not “everyone in the office” for its own sake. It is important to use that time purposefully for things that the team needs to work on together. This includes:

• Talking about how people are doing;
• Talking about the work and how it is progressing;
• Progressing projects, making decisions and solving problems together;
• Talking about how the team is doing as a team;
• Taking time to express appreciation to and for each other;
• Spending “social” time together over lunch or coffee just chatting and connecting.
  
  

6. Understanding
Henri Nouwen observed that one of life's hardest realities is that "love and wounds are never separated". Healthy teams will experience tensions and hurts. There are times when our darker sides will emerge. And there are times when our just being different will create friction. To lessen the impact, team members look at their different "styles" and preferences: personality, leadership, decision making, learning, work, communication, and spirituality. Focus is more on "fitting together" than on identifying someone's weaknesses. Team members thus try to genuinely understand and accept one other's "way of being", while also being free to give one another feedback. Resilient teams are able to let go of things and move on rather than bearing grudges.

7. Structure
Resilience requires regimen: clear roles for leaders and other members, well-defined decision-making methods, agreed-upon accountability and conflict resolution guidelines, and in many cases a written agreement or "memo of understanding". Everyone has designated and chosen responsibilities, so people know how they fit and where they belong. Structure brings a sense of security. 

8. Learning
Resilient teams are learning teams. They take the time to learn from both their mistakes and their successes. When they address problems, they do not look for blame, they look for real causes – and they address these causes. They share ideas with each other and regularly brainstorm options for doing things better.

Challenge
Why don’t you share this article with your team and have them assess how resilient they think they are. Ask them to make a judgement about how the last 2 years have affected their resilience as a team. Then, in one of your team meetings discuss this and make some decisions about what you and your team need to do to bolster the team’s resilience.

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to take the lead in developing your and your team’s resilience, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

I think of resilience as being much like a parachute. You had better have it when you need it, and if you don’t have it at that time, then it is too late. You can’t develop resilience at the time that you need resilience. You have to develop it as part of being a growing human being so that it is available to you when you need it. In this article, I will explore how you can develop the skills that give you the resilience you need when you need it.

These are the abilities typical of resilient people:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

These abilities are supported when you have the following skills:
1. The Ability to Mind Your Mind
​It is said that the mind is a faithful servant but a tyrannical master. We need to learn how to be in charge of the way we think about things. Do you play mental games of “Ain’t it awful”? Do you ask yourself endless “what if” questions? Do you make mountains out of molehills in your mind? You need to learn how to counter this whenever you do it. Here are some examples:

• Every time you play “ain’t it awful”, stop and ask yourself what you can do about the situation you are in. Can you take action to change your circumstances? Then do it. Can you think about it as a problem to be solved? Then solve the problem. Can you think about it differently, focusing on the opportunities the situation provides you with? Do it. Can you simply shift your attention to something you can do something about? Do that then.
• If you find yourself asking endless “what if” questions, get into the habit of answering the question. “What if I lose my job?” Decide what you will do; decide what you will do to always be ready for such an eventuality. “What if they don’t like my proposal?” Will you offer an alternative proposal? Will you ask questions to ascertain what needs to be changed in order to get approval? “What if this economy really tanks?” Decide what you will do to protect your investments. Decide how you will get out of debt.
• Are you aware that you tend to make mountains out of molehills? Catch yourself when you are amplifying issues and picture them as tiny problems. There is an NLP visualization technique that has you imagine placing the issue on the palm of your hand and visualize it becoming smaller and smaller.
• Of course, when you are mentally tormenting yourself with catastrophizing thoughts, you can always take the Bob Newhart therapy – stop it!
• Don’t lose your sense of humour! It is remarkable how laughter can take the sting out of difficult situations and give you a sense that you can handle it.

These are techniques that take practice – but if you practice them consistently, you will be able to draw on them when life gets crazy.

2. Develop the Habit of Solving Problems
Resilient people are able to solve problems in the moment. They have a habit of asking themselves “what can I do about this” whenever they face a problem, obstacle or challenge. It is a habit of mind and can be learned. Sometimes it comes easily, and sometimes you need to stop, take a few breaths and think about how you can approach something. Having decided what you can do about something, you also need to decide what you will do about something.
Learn to do this in relation to the small, everyday issues, and you will be able to practice it when it really counts.

3. Build Good Friendships in Your Work and Personal Life
Don’t ever underestimate the powerful buffering impact of good friendships. You don’t need a lot of friends, but you do need some friends – and you definitely need a friend or 2 at work. Friends offer each other the following:

• A place to laugh, cry, talk or just be – you don’t actually need to be drawing something specific from a friendship for it to be having a positive impact. You don’t even need to spend a great deal of time with your friends – but they do need to be there and you do need to be willing to draw closer to them from time to time.
• Work friends have an especially positive impact on your “inner work life”. Even when your work is very pressurized, the presence of work friends makes a positive impact on the experience of being at work. Work friends can offer you another point of view or way of looking at things – and sometimes you just need a place to have a bit of a grumble!
• Having a partner who is also a friend is a wonderful buffer when life is difficult – when home is your “soft place to fall” you are significantly buffered against life’s challenges and setbacks. When home is tainted with toxicity it makes you extremely vulnerable to the negative impacts of adversity.

 
4. Exercise and Physical Health
Too often I hear my clients telling me that they’ll get back to the gym when they are “over this hump”, or that they’ll resume their sport when it warms up. Who are they fooling? Firstly, you’re never really over the hump. Secondly, you need the positive benefits of exercise NOW, while you’re negotiating the hump. People who are resilient build exercise into their schedule – it is part of their scheduled activities, rather than something they “find/make time for”. It is a priority – it does not take a back seat to other priorities. Exercise releases powerful hormones which are a powerful antidote to the damaging stress hormones that are released when life is difficult. Type “impact of exercise on mental health” into the Google task bar and see how much information comes up to this effect!

Another mistake people make is to push through when they are sick, rather than seeing a doctor and taking things a bit more slowly. This takes a punishing toll on your body and can trigger the onset of all sorts of negative immune responses. The same applies if you feel you’re not coping emotionally. See a doctor – don’t be a hero.

5. What you eat and drink
It is tempting to comfort eat when you are battling life’s challenges. However, once again the evidence is compelling that this can create a vicious cycle - feeling stressed leads to consumption of unhelpful foods which has a negative impact on your mental state, which leads to more consumption of unhelpful foods. Healthy eating habits during less stressful times make it easier to maintain healthy eating habits when the pressure is on. But you know this, don’t you!

The upshot of all of this is that resilience is something you build when you don’t need it so that you have it when you do. It is about establishing and practicing healthy mental and physical habits on an ongoing basis so that you have this powerful buffering effect when you need it.
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Call to Action
If you recognise that you need to start developing your resilience, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

I'm taking a break from my series on resilience, grit and mental toughness to share a podcast.

I was invited by my lifelong friend, Penny Milner Smyth of Ethicalways to participate in a radio show on which she is a regular. The show is all about business ethics and corruption, which is her area of expertise.
The main idea is that following an instruction to do something unethical or illegal does not let you off the hook - you can be prosecuted in your personal capacity.

So how do you respond when you are instructed to do something unethical or illegal? 

1. Notice your physical response - you will most likely have a tightness in your neck or a feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that there is danger. This is not a good time to try and have a cogent conversation as these feelings are a strong indicator that your pre-frontal cortex has been disrupted and you won't be able to think clearly.

2. Buy time - or be non-commital. Ask if you can discuss this later or if you can have some time to think about it. If you don't have the presence of mind to do this, no matter. Proceed to step 3.

3. Gather your thoughts. Get some guidance and advice and formulate a response. Prepare yourself for a difficult conversation. Write the most important points down.

4. Pick a good time - make sure it is a time when you can be uninterrupted. Share that you have had difficulty sleeping since the last conversation; that this is a really difficult conversation to have; and ask that you be heard to the end. Share your concern about the instruction and especially your concern for your manager (let's assume it was your boss who gave the instruction - although it could have come from anyone who outranks you) - that this course of action will have an impact on them that they might not have thought of. Make it clear that you value working for them and that you would hate for the working relationship to be disrupted. If this doesn't work, proceed to step 5.

5. Ask them to get this done without involving you - please can you ask someone else to do it; please don't involve me. You need to find ways to increase your resistance. If this fails, proceed to step 6.
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6. Ask to have the instruction in writing, respond with your concerns in writing and then do what you must do.

This is a very difficujlt position to be in and it always carries risks. You can insulate yourself from such requests if you show yourself over the long term to be a "principled rebel". In order to establish yourself as a principled rebel, it is important that you do the following:

• Build good relationships across your organisation, especially with people who have influence in the business - such as senior people in HR or Finance. Build relationships with your manager and your team mates and make sure that you have plenty of "relational capital". It is just not good enough to fly under the radar and mind your own business.
• Be a consistent good contributor. Being a top performer gives you license to push back. Top performers always have more "wriggle room" than those who do no more than what is required. Their views also tend to be respected more than those of average performers.
• Be an original thinker. Be known as someone who resists anything "dodgy". Contribute good ideas for doing things better and differently.

People who do these 3 things are far less likely to be asked to do anything untoward because they have established themselves as less corruptible than others.

Have a listen to the podcast below - it's only 20 minutes. You'll find it useful and interesting.

Call to Action
Remember that values conflicts are great topics to take into coaching, so if you find yourself in this situation, send me an email and we can talk about some coaching for you: belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za

​Somebody once said that one should list “living in South Africa” as a skill set, and even more so if you live in Kwazulu Natal. Many of us have said that we’re just tired of being resilient. Actually we’d like to be able to collapse into a puddle and have a good cry in the knowledge that someone will pick us up and make it all better.

The truth is that that is never going to happen. We live in a world where shit happens. We have to withstand the impact of all sorts of dramas. Locally we have had Covid 19 with all its tragedies and personal difficulties, the riots and looting of July 2021 and now the devastating floods of April 2022 that have resulted in widespread loss of life and property.

Resilience might be thought of as the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with a crisis and to bounce back after the crisis without long-term health or psychological consequences. Resilient people are those who are able to remain calm during the crisis, making good decisions for themselves and others. They then return to their pre-crisis psychological and mental state quickly, and move on from it without any residual difficulties.

It includes the following abilities:

• Coping well with high levels of ongoing, disruptive change;
• The ability to sustain good health and energy even under constant pressure;
• Being able to bounce back after setbacks;
• Overcoming adversity;
• Being able to change to a new way of living and working when the old way is no longer possible;

… and all without behaving in dysfunctional or harmful ways.

​Consider your own circumstances:

• What ongoing, disruptive change are you needing to cope with?
• What is happening to your health as a result of the constant pressure you are experiencing?
• Are you bouncing back from adversity, or do you find yourself being weighed down by feelings of despair and hopelessness?
• What changes do you now have to make because the way things were is no longer possible?

 
Resilient people have a significant advantage over people who are not resilient – people who respond to adversity with helplessness or a sense of being victims. Consider this:

• Companies that have resilient employees perform better during tough times than companies that don’t;
• During downsizing (or whatever it is being called this week) resilient employees with a wide set of competencies have a better chance of being kept on
• Resilient job applicants are more likely to be hired than those who are not;
• When the job skills of resilient people are no longer needed, they will quickly learn new ways to earn an income;
• When the economic times are tough, resilient people give their families a better chance of pulling through and bouncing back;
• Resilient people are able to make the best out of difficult situations;
• Less resilient people are more likely to become ill during difficult times.

 
Now rate your own resilience (1 = very little; 5 = very strong):

From “The Resiliency Advantage” by Al Siebert.
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Scoring :
Low score: A self rating score under 50 indicates that life is probably a struggle for you. You may not handle pressure well. You don’t learn anything useful from bad experiences. You feel hurt when people criticize you. You may sometimes feel helpless and without hope.
If these statements fit you, ask yourself “Would I like to learn how to handle my difficulties better”. If your answer is yes, then a good way to start is to meet with others who are working to develop their resilience skills. Let them coach, encourage and guide you. Another way is to work with a coach or a therapist. The fact that you feel motivated to be more resilience is a positive sign.

High score: If you rated yourself high on most of these statements you would have a score over 90. This means you know you are very good at bouncing back from life’s setbacks.
A question for you to consider is whether you feel willing to tell your story to others and make yourself available to people who are trying to cope with adversities. People learn from real-life role models. You could be one.

Middle scores: If you agreed with many of the statements and scored in the 70-89 range, then that is very good! It means that you are fairly resilient, but that you could become even more resilient and confident by paying attention to some of those factors that will make the difference.
If you scored in the 50-69 range, you appear to be fairly adequate, but you may be underrating yourself. A much larger percentage of people underrate themselves than overrate themselves on the assessment. Some people have a habit of being modest and automatically give themselves a 3 on every item for a total score of 60. If your score is in the 50-69 range, we need to find out how valid your self rating is.

In the next article, we will look at ways in which you can develop your own resilience, after which we will consider how you might enable your team to become more resilient.
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Contact Me
Resilience has everything to do with how you think about things, so it is a completely coachable topic. If you recognise that you need to strengthen your own resilience, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

The last couple of years have been difficult for most of us, and this has resulted in widespread mental health problems and a great deal of unhappiness. I happen to think that, while we collectively dealt with the challenges of a pandemic, the notion of life being difficult is ubiquitous. Life is difficult for different people in different ways and to differing degrees at different times. Yet some people rise above these challenges and others don’t do so well. This article is a continuation of a series that starts here.

Characteristics that are typically used in relation to being able to prevail in the face of challenges include Resilience, Grit and Mental Toughness. They are not all the same thing and not all people who do ok despite life’s difficulties have all of these characteristics. In this article, I explain the concepts and why they are important. In future articles I will talk about how to develop these characteristics. Here are some useful definitions:

1. Resilience
Wikipedia: Psychological resilience is the ability to cope mentally or emotionally with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly.[1] Resilience exists when the person uses "mental processes and behaviors in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors".[2] In simpler terms, psychological resilience exists in people who develop psychological and behavioral capabilities that allow them to remain calm during crises/chaos and to move on from the incident without long-term negative consequences.
Everydayhealth.com: Resilience is typically defined as the capacity to recover from difficult life events.
American Psychological Association: Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. As much as resilience involves “bouncing back” from these difficult experiences, it can also involve profound personal growth.
Positivepsychology.com: Resilience can be defined as the ability – and tendency – to “bounce back.” “Bouncing back” is what we do when we face disappointment, defeat, and failure, but instead of wallowing or letting things keep us down, we get back up and continue on with our lives.

The common thread in these definitions is that resilience is what enables us to ride out the struggle and recover from negative life events. It does not shield us from experiencing pain – we experience the pain of these life experiences as one might expect – but it gives us the strength to get through it and rise again without breaking down or falling apart. Resilient people are not afraid of the pain because they know they will be fine, no matter what happens.

We need resilience because life is just damn difficult – and we need to be able ride out the tough experiences and bounce back from setbacks and tragedy. In the next article, I will discuss the life choices and actions that build resilience and how to put these in place.

2. Grit
Wikipedia: In psychology, grit is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual's perseverance of effort combined with the passion for a particular long-term goal or end state (a powerful motivation to achieve an objective). This perseverance of effort promotes the overcoming of obstacles or challenges that lie on the path to accomplishment and serves as a driving force in achievement realization.
South African College of Applied Psychology: Angela Lee Duckworth is quoted: “Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality.”
Psychology Today: If you're gritty, you attain success through endurance, perseverance, resilience, passion, hard work, and practice, practice, practice. If you persist and face all the obstacles, you may just win. It involves finding your passion (which involves a sense of purpose) and persevering.
New Harbinger Publications: It is the ability to persist in something you feel passionate about and persevere when you face obstacles. This kind of passion is not about intense emotions or infatuation. It’s about having direction and commitment. When you have this kind of passion, you can stay committed to a task that may be difficult or boring.  

As you can see, the essence of grit is a sense of purpose – big goals that you feel passionate about – and the perseverance to stick with it until the goal is achieved, no matter what obstacles you might face.

Without Grit, one cannot get the big goals achieved. It is about being driven towards something important and having the determination to see things through. I think that grit requires that one is actually resilient – but not all resilient people also have grit.

3. Mental Toughness
Mental Toughness is a concept that has emerged from the field of sports psychology, but I think it can be applied far more broadly. It is not the same as resilience. Here is my definition:

Mental toughness is the ability to sustain consistent focus and self-belief under difficult circumstances and despite external distractions and challenges. It has four components:

1. Control: the sense that one has the ability to influence in a situation while keeping one’s emotions in check;
2. Commitment: the choice to stay deeply involved in pursuing challenging goals despite the difficulties that may arise;
3. Challenge: seeing potential threats as an opportunity for self-development and continuing to strive despite a constantly changing environment.
4. Confidence: in one’s capabilities as well as in one’s ability to navigate complex interpersonal settings.

(For more see Frontiers in Psychology).

It is most easily demonstrated in the world of sport:

• The tennis player who makes no errors despite a hostile crowd and an opponent who is relentless. Rafael Nadal springs to mind;
• The rugby player who will practice kicking for posts for hours at a time, even without the presence of the coach, like Jonny Wilkinson;
• The golfer who is able to sustain focus over 2 or 3 days despite searing heat or howling wind. Ernie Els is a great example.

It would appear that mental toughness is about the ability to “mind your mind” despite relentless pressure. In the world of work, it is demonstrated by the CEO who stays calm, focused and continues making good decisions and communicating well despite constant surprises and curved balls. I think Andre de Ruyter, Eskom CEO, is a great example of a business leader who is mentally tough.

Once again, mental toughness is only possible in the presence of resilience – but being resilient does not necessarily make one mentally tough.

In the next few articles, I am going to explore each of these concepts and examine whether and how they can be developed or learned. So stay with me.
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Contact Me
If you are in a chapter of your life where success requires that you are resilient, gritty or mentally tough, the support of a coach is very powerful. If this is you, why don’t you email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

Anyone who knows me (and many who don’t) know that I have opinions about lots of things. In some cases, it’s because I’m a know-it-all, but in most cases it’s based on my nearly 60 years on this earth and my 38 years in the field of people development. I have worked with men and women of all races, at every level in the corporate hierarchy, every possible personality type, advantaged people, disadvantaged people, people with happy childhoods and those with disastrous childhoods. Many of them have been victims of something – abuse, rape, attacks, robberies, bullying, racism, prejudice, you name it.

If there is one thing I know for sure it is that allowing oneself to be defined by one’s wounds, scars and past injuries is a recipe for a miserable life of unrealizable potential. It is not possible to be happy if you are defined by your wounds, and it is impossible to realize your potential if you don’t stop looking over your shoulder at your past. Your wounds may have left scars that will always be there, but even scarred people can have eyes forward and march into a positive future.

I am moving into dangerous territory here. I am at risk of being heard to say that those who have wounds need to get over it. How dare I say such a thing? I have this internal debate going – am I saying that; am I saying something else? Maybe it starts with an understanding of what it takes to “get over it”.

When one says “just get over it” there is the implication that this is a small thing that simply requires that one makes a decision. It’s way more complicated than that, so let me make an attempt at what is takes to “get over it”.

Disclaimer: There is very real psychopathology that has its roots in past experiences and that is not my area of expertise. My expertise lies more in the arena of positive human functioning. Therefore, I will base this article on what I know enhances the human capacity to thrive, and not on psychopathology.

I really like the way Andrea Mathews explains the issue of woundedness: “And THAT is the wound. It isn’t just the pain of what was done—we can get past pain through a healthy grief process. The “damage” is done when we change the identity to match the event, person or circumstance so that we ARE now that event, person or circumstance in some small or large way.”

I don’t think “getting over it” starts with a decision so much as a realization – that defining oneself as a victim is an obstacle to a good life. When you have become defined by what happened to you, you may observe the following in yourself:

• Hypervigilance – constantly looking for evidence of new and related sources of hurt. For example, if you have been hurt by racism in your past, you will be extremely vigilant to new instances of racism – even when that is not what is going on. Think of this as being easily offended or outraged.
• Feeling attacked when someone tries to give you helpful feedback or make a suggestion for moving forward. This is the person who yells “How dare you suggest that I get over it!”
• Blaming external factors and events for one’s life – my life is the way it is because of what so-and-so did to me; I didn’t get the promotion because so-and-so is out to get me; I can’t come across as confident because of what happened when I was a child. Of course, because nothing is their fault or responsibility, they cannot be expected to be responsible for making changes to their lives.
• Having manypeople in your circle who blame everyone and everything but themselves for their circumstances – birds of a feather flocking together.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms – examples include finding 101 problems for every solution; developing a negative outlook where one’s expectations of life are kept extremely low in order to avoid disappointment; feeling stuck and approaching challenges with a negative outlook.
• Believing that life or the world is out to get you.

This has been defined in the psychology literature as “victimhood mindset” or “victim mentality”.

The impact of a victim mindset is that it creates a whole society of people whose primary identification is with being oppressed. This is a culture in which there is an expectation of some kind of payback, reparations or the expectation that lives will only change when “they” change in some way. No matter how justified this expectation might be, let’s be clear that (1) it is NEVER going to happen, and (2) even if it does happen in some way, it will NEVER be enough. Victimhood is a bottomless pit that just cannot be filled.

It is important to shake off a victim mindset because of its impact on YOURSELF. It holds you back. It keeps you unhappy and resentful. It actively prevents you from enjoying any real personal success. It is completely self-defeating. The most liberating thing that anyone with a victim mindset can do is to let go of the hope or expectation that anyone other than themselves will ever change their lives! There are no saviours! Life doesn’t owe you anything – but YOU owe yourself something. What you owe yourself is the shaking off of the victim chains that keep you bound to the past in order to embrace a winning mindset that has you 100% responsible for defining your future, even if you did not shape your past.

Shaking off such a mindset can be difficult, because a victim mentality has important payoffs:

• You don't have to take accountability when nothing is your responsibility – so you’re off the hook;
• You get sympathy and attention (and maybe even tangible benefits such as grants);
• You don’t have to take risks or be vulnerable.

Because the victim mentality is a learned behaviour, it can be unlearned and replaced with a winning mindset. However, this cannot happen until you personally have a blinding flash of insight – or maybe it emerges gradually – that your victim mindset is preventing you from having the life you want. With this realization comes the acceptance of personal responsibility – you cannot have the life you want if you don’t change your mindset, and only you can take on a new mindset.

Once you accept personal responsibility, educate yourself. Read books, blogs and articles on victim mentality or victimhood mindset. Make sure you understand it as a phenomenon, and that you develop your understanding of how to shift from a victim mindset to a winning mindset.

Consider seeking therapy as a healthy way to process the pain of the past so that you are liberated to start looking forward and making choices that make for a good life.

Choose who you spend time with. Move away from spending time with other victims. Surround yourself with people who have succeeded, who have risen above life’s challenges, who have a winning mindset, who take responsibility for what they can do in the face of life’s difficulties.

Say No to things you do not want to do. You have a choice – exercise your choice. Prioritise yourself and your objectives more than worrying about other people’s feelings.

Be kind to yourself. This can be a tough journey – moving from a victim mindset to a winning mindset. It takes work. You will slip up – but you can notice it, and correct course every time you slip up.

Take time to relish moments of joy. You absolutely will experience more moments of joy as a winner than you possibly can as a victim. Enjoy them!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to do some important work in shifting to a winning mindset so that you can create the life you want, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
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Previous Articles
This article is the latest in a series that follows the theme that “Life is Difficult”, and yet we can definitely live a life of victory and fulfillment if we choose to do so. My purpose in writing these articles is to share tips and tools for thriving even though life is difficult.

People who thrive even when life is difficult are not without their problems and challenges. Even they lose their jobs, get sick, suffer losses and tragedies and have relationship issues. They tend to handle these in particularly helpful ways, as I have described here. What is more to the point is that they set themselves up to thrive because they have a positive outlook on life that is based on optimism and hope for the future.

What exactly is optimism? The following explanation was published in an article in Psychology Today: “To many psychologists, optimism reflects the belief that the outcomes of events or experiences will generally be positive. Others contend that optimism is more an explanatory style; it resides in the way people explain the causes of events. Optimists are likely to see the causes of failure or negative experiences as temporary rather than permanent, specific rather than global, and external rather than internal. Such a perspective enables optimists to more easily see the possibility of change.”

They have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

I believe that this is largely about the choices we make – and these are all important choices.

1. Albert Einstein once said “The most important decision we can make is whether this is a friendly or hostile universe. From that one decision all others spring.” Choosing to see our world as a safe place is the basis for all other decisions.
2. The expectation that things will most probably work out is another key choice – there are no “facts” in an expectation, so we either choose to expect a positive outcome or we choose to expect a negative outcome.
3. Choosing to see the causes of negative events and experiences as
   1. temporary rather than permanent (“this too shall pass”);
   2. external rather than internal (this is a function of something that is happening in my world rather than being a function of something that is about me);
   3. specific to this person or the current circumstances rather than as general in relation to human nature or the world.

We choose what to believe – our beliefs are not a given.

Some people are “natural” optimists – it is as if they decided very young that the world is a safe place. As a result they have a can-do, positive attitude to life and make the most of whatever opportunities may come their way. They go through life with the sense that things will work out and that they will be OK no matter what happens. They try new things, they learn new skills, they take risks and live life with enthusiasm. They spend little time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. They live in the moment and experience gratitude and joy easily.

It is a way of looking at the world that gives the optimist more agency than the pessimist. They feel at least partly responsible for the quality of their own lives and for how things turn out. They have a healthier outlook on life and live longer than pessimists. They also have better outcomes when they experience illness and other negative experiences. This is not to say that they have the unrealistic belief that they will only have good experiences in life – which can actually cause its own problems!

Self-awareness is always the key to personal growth, so ask yourself these questions:

• Do you generally see the glass as half empty or half full?
• Do you look for the “difficulty in every opportunity or the opportunity in every difficulty” (Churchill)?
• Do you often experience a sense of impending doom or do you generally expect that things will work out?
• Do you tend to try and keep things like they’ve always been or do you try new things, put yourself out there for new experiences, learn new skills and live life with enthusiasm?
• Do you spend more time than you should regretting the past or worrying about the future or do you mostly live in the present moment and experience joy and gratitude often?

If an honest consideration of these questions shows that you tend to be an optimist, then you have a good chance of riding out life’s difficulties. You will find the opportunities. You will allow yourself to experience the joys. You will experience life’s adventures with enthusiasm. You will deal with life’s setbacks and be ok.

If, on the other hand, you recognise that you are the opposite, then what can you do to change it?
 
Call to Action
Firstly, accept that there is work to do and that it will take personal honesty and effort.

​Then, I think, there are 3 ways to do the work:

1. Do the work on your own using a process to guide you. Understand that it will take work and that you will need to be consistent – but know that it is worth the effort. Here are some examples:
   1. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-train-your-brain-be-more-optimistic-ncna795231
   2. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-be-optimistic-4164832
   3. https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/02/01/being-optimist-ways-to-overcome-pessimism/
2. Spend some time working with a therapist. If the first suggestion is just not working for you and you find yourself constantly returning to a state of pessimism, perhaps you need someone to help you find your way to a more optimistic state of mind. Perhaps you are depressed and need to treat that first.
3. Find a coach who can work with your typical ways of seeing and responding to the world, and help you to find alternatives that are more hopeful and optimistic. You could email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and we can discuss your coaching programme.

This week’s article continues my series on what it takes to thrive despite the fact that life is difficult – which begins here. If you’ve missed the previous articles, I encourage you to go back and read them.

People who thrive despite life’s challenges can teach us a great deal about how to live well. One of their important skills (abilities/habits/disciplines) is that they handle life’s challenges and setbacks well. Everyone experiences difficulties along the way – illness, setbacks, disappointments, tragedies and losses, bad days and hard times.

People who thrive despite this tend to ride these things out because they have the skills to do so. Let’s explore what these skills are:

1. They recognise that they always have choices – and the main choice exists in deciding how to respond to whatever comes their way. No matter what challenge you face, you can choose how to respond:

• You can choose to collapse in an endless puddle of tears – that’s one option, but it’s not going to get you very far if you stay there;
• You can choose to stick your head in the sand and pretend that it isn’t happening – but that also has its limitations;
• You can choose to rage at God, the universe, the medical profession, whatever – but all that will do is raise your blood pressure and alienate your nearest and dearest because it wears a bit thin;
• You can choose to allow yourself to go through the grief cycle, with or without the help of a friend or counsellor. Many setbacks are losses – a diagnosis of a terminal or degenerative illness or condition; loss of a job; retirement; a break-up – and it is healthy to allow yourself to move through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is very useful to have someone to help you through this.
• You can choose to put on a brave face some of the time and with some people, and reserve your strong emotions for people who are in your core support circle. Having a core support circle is fundamental to thriving!
• You can take a philosophical stance. Examples would include “Everything happens for a reason”; “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”; “This too shall pass”; “It is what it is”. All of these are ways of not allowing your situation to consume you.
• You can choose some combination of the above. The most important thing is that you make a choice. When you make a choice, the power is in your hands. None of these responses is inevitable – they might be natural, but they are not inevitable.
  

2. They recognise that there are things over which they have no control – the things that happen to them – but that their reactions and responses are a matter of choice. One of the most stressful things in life is investing loads of emotional energy into things you can do nothing about. Unfortunately some things are outside of our control and need to be accepted. In some instances, it simply is what it is.

That is not to say that you should not make an effort to find a solution. If you or someone you love has an awful medical diagnosis, you can get another opinion, research treatments and cures and try multiple options, but there may come a time when you need to let it go, make peace with what is, and simply make an effort to live as well as you can under the circumstances. Working with a coach or therapist can be enormously helpful under these circumstances.

3. They are able to maintain a sense of perspective and not overreact to what happens. They know where to find their internal pause button. This ability to pause, breathe and think about how to respond is incredibly powerful. No shooting from the hip. No huge drama. Just the ability to stop and think and gain some perspective before deciding how to proceed.

4. No matter what happens, they have a quiet confidence that they are able to get through it or past it and “rise again” so to speak. I love the saying “Everything works out in the end, and if it hasn’t worked out yet you haven’t reached the end”. It reminds me that, come what may, I’ll be fine. I’ll handle things ok. I’ll get past whatever it is that troubles me.
 
Maybe this can all be summed up thus. People who thrive despite life’s challenges and setbacks don’t indulge in lots of drama. They breathe, slow things down, think and proceed in a measured way. This is a skill that can be learned.

Think about your own responses to challenges and setbacks. Do you shoot from the hip? Do you overreact? Do you do drama? Is there any space between stimulus and response? If your habit is a knee-jerk response, then try this the next time you are faced with a challenge or setback:

1. Pause – don’t say or do anything at all.
2. Breathe – slow and deep to slow down your heart rate.
3. Ask yourself – what does this situation require of me?
4. Respond in measured tones.

And if you are interrupted during this process, hold up your hand and say “Let me think.”

Contact Me
If you recognise that you could use some support in navigating something that life has chucked at you, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.
 

Life is difficult – that’s a fact. This article is a continuation of a series of articles that starts here.

People who thrive despite life being difficult have some important characteristics in common, and one of them is that they are contributors. Let’s look at what that might mean.

At work they tend to do more than just what is required. They extend themselves in the interests of the team or the business. They take on more responsibility and put their hands up for projects – both those that are cool and interesting and those that are dull but must be done. They help and support others, and coach and guide newcomers, strugglers and those who show potential. They develop their own skills so that they can take on more, and are visible in their work spaces. Because of what they contribute, the team is stronger, their manager feels supported and better work gets done. They take personal responsibility for their own performance and are open to feedback from their manager and others. They will give consideration to the feedback and make appropriate changes if necessary.

In their most important intimate relationship they make an effort to ensure that their significant other feels seen, special and important. They don’t take this relationship for granted and they make sure that they pick up at least their share of the load, if not more. They see this relationship as a top priority, and treat it as such. They recognise that it is the happiness of their partner that is the measure of their own success as a partner. Do they always get it right? No. But they are open to feedback from their partner, and will respond appropriately.

They are active parents, recognising that the most important job of a parent is to mould their children into capable, confident contributors to society. This means that they actively develop their children’s values and talk about what values-based behaviour looks like. They have clear boundaries and are able to provide natural and logical consequences to breaches of those boundaries. They teach their children to communicate with people in authority, solve problems and have tricky conversations. Very importantly, they teach their children how to deal with bullies. Bullies will be found in every walk of life, and we need to have tactics for dealing with this. They will step in if it is truly necessary, but their preferred approach is to contribute to their children’s own efficacy in such situations. A feature of this type of parent – child relationship is that they tend to have lots of conversations about lots of topics. These are conversations in which ideas and thoughts are explored – real chats and not lectures. They are also present in their children’s activities – sports, culture, academic, etc.

People who thrive have friends, and make an effort in their friendships – they give of themselves and their time in generous ways. They see friendships as worth the effort and you can be sure that their friends know that they are valued. Of course, not all friendships last a lifetime. Most are for a season – and they are ok with that.

Finally, people who thrive contribute in their communities. They are good neighbours and active citizens. They get involved in community groups like neighbourhood watch and the ratepayers’ association. They support their neighbours and understand that they have a contribution to make in ensuring that their neighbourhood is taken care of.
What is it about Contribution that makes the difference? I think it is that we are happier when our attention is on others – not at the expense of ourselves, but because it is good for our well-being. It takes our attention off our own grumbles and struggles. Furthermore, when we contribute we always get something back. Happy partner, happy boss, happy children, happy social life – they are all the product of contribution.

So here’s my challenge to you. In which of your relationships are you coasting? Doing no more than the basics? What is needed from you and what will you actually do?
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Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become more of a contributor in various aspects of your life, but don’t know where to start, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.

About 3 weeks ago I wrote an article about people who thrive, despite life being difficult. They do specific things, including taking care of their physical and mental health. In this article and the supporting video, I'm going to talk about something else they do which enhances their ability to thrive - they are comfortable in their own skin! They are ok with themselves, they are fine with their looks and weight, they feel fine about the people they hang out with, they feel fine about their occupation or profession.

In other words, they don't expend useless energy comparing themselves with other people, or comparing themselves with some hopeless standard of perfection. 

That is not to say that they simply accept everything about themselves and refuse to grow and change. Not at all. However, they make changes that move them in the direction of their own goals, and not in the direction of everyone else's approval.

If they are heavier than they'd like to be, they do something about it and don't allow it to go to far. When they fall off the wagon, they clamber back on without pointless recriminations. If they know they are going to indulge - say, over Christmas or Eid or Hannukah - they ringfence specific "cheat days" and then go back to their healthy eating habits. They never just throw it all in with an "Oh what they hell - I might as well just pig out".

They choose their friends according to their value system, and are comfortable with the company they keep - they have no need to keep one group of friends from another group of friends or from their family. The same with their occupation - they are comfortable talking about their work.

Whilst they recognise that the good opinion of others is important in some respects, they are not derailed by the fact that some people may not like them or approve of them. Having said this, if they notice a pattern, they are willing to look in the mirror and take responsibility for how they might be earning the disapproval of others - and then do something about it if it is important enough.

People who thrive often have their own sense of style. That is not to say that they are fashion icons. However, they have probably decided how they like to dress and how they want to look - and they are fine with it. 

So if you have read all of this and you are still saying "Well that's all very well in theory, but I'm well into adulthood/middle age and I just don't know how to do these things", what can you do?  Here are some ideas:

1. Do an inventory.

• What do you like/what can you be proud of regarding your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks? Give yourself credit for progress and improvements that you've made along the way. These are aspects of yourself that you want to keep and appreciate.
• What would you like to change about your looks, weight, sense of style, friendship groups, work and networks?
• What do you need to make peace with and even embrace? For example, if you are a statuesque woman of 190cm in height, embrace it! You are never going to be petite no matter what you do! 

2. Set some goals.

• Weight goals: To get from Xkg to Ykg by (date) / I want to fit into a size X by (date)
• Style goals
• Friendship goals: To make friends who enjoy (activity) by (joining a club/online group). You can also end friendships that diminish you and are not in your best interests.
• Career goals: To be promoted to (name it) by (date); to find a new job that better suits your interests and skills.
• Network goals: To meet colleagues in (name the parts of the organisation) and have them call me for input.

3. Make sure each goal has an action plan.
4. Choose a set of affirmations that address your negative self-talk and support your success (google "how to use affirmations"), and use them as a mantra many times a day. Make sure that these are loving affirmations - you will grow to believe them as you use them.
5. Do a daily reflection: ask yourself what you did today to move each goal forward, no matter how slightly; ask yourself how you demonstrated your better nature (the likeable aspects of yourself) today.
6. Track your progress - use a tool such as Monday.com or trello.com. They are great because you can track whether or not you actually took action relevant to each goal all on one dashboard. Maybe also get yourself an accountability buddy - someone who will hold you accountable and give you "the look" when you are fooling yourself; someone who will celebrate with you and give you a high five when you win.
7. Celebrate progress. Allow yourself to revel in your small wins and give yourself appropriate rewards - but be careful not to reward yourself with things that derail you, like a wedge of chocolate cake when you've lost 2kg!
​8. Accept compliments graciously. Just smile and say "Thank you."

Remember that you are fabulous and worthwhile and deserving - and remind yourself often!

Contact Me
If you recognise that you need to become comfortable in your own skin, and you know that it's going to be a real challenge, email me on belinda@leadershipsolutions.co.za and let’s discuss your coaching programme.